Searching For God Knows What

It's days like these, dreary, rainy, cool (er) Seattle days that make me want to write. I'm pretty sure it's not the weather.  Let's be honest. I'm still in that slump that I was talking about. Oh yes, I'm making an effort, and I'm happy that I have, but I'm just wondering, what do I want? I've come to a point where I have no idea where I want to go or who I want to be, or what even my purpose is in life. I'm feel like I'm at this crossroads and all I want to do is close my eyes and just point. I don't want the responsibility of choosing.

Do I want to stay in Seattle or move to Hawaii? I have built a wonderful, beautiful life here. I have wonderful friends, a job that pays with benefits, an apartment that I adore, a church that helps me to grow, and a social life that is only lacking when I want it to be. I have opportunities to do so much, and I see so many fun things on the horizon. But to be honest, I feel, stuck. I feel lonely, and I feel restless. I feel like I have all these things but that I was made for something more.

My whole life I have been dutiful. I got good grades, I graduated from high school AND college in 3 years, I landed a full time job that I've worked at for 5 mostly wonderful years, I have my own apartment, I work as a manager, I've had boyfriends, the whole nine yards. I've been responsible. I've achieved so much. I've worked hard, been loyal and diligent, and I have reaped the rewards. So why does it feel so meaningless and empty? What else could I want or desire?

Here's what I do know. I want to work with people. I want to help them, and I want to serve them, and I want them to know that they are cared for. I want to feed people. I want fill their bellies with food, and fill their hearts with confidence and love and self worth. I want to welcome people. I want to have them in my home, and I want my home to feel like their home. I want what's mine to be theirs, and I want to live openly and generously. I want to share life with others. I want to share my life, and I want others to have a happy and content life.

This post, is so mixed up, and so fuzzy. I'm struggling with so many thoughts and doubts and wishes and prayers and hopes and dreams and sometimes, many times, I just feel exhausted. I feel lonely. I feel scared. I feel hopeful. I feel full of life, and energetic. But mostly, I feel a burning desire for something bigger than I am, and more wonderful than I can dream. I don't know if it's in Seattle, Hawaii, or wherever. What I do know is that I want it, I need it, and I'm going after it. Even if it makes no sense. Even if it seems foolish. Even if it doesn't follow all of the rules. I'm going after life. A full life, a life that I can share freely and openly with others.