One Of Those Days

I feel like I have so much to say these days, but don't even know how to put everything that I'm feeling and going through into words. I think about writing on this thing everyday, literally everyday. But whenever I think of putting all of the jumbled thoughts together, I just feel exhausted. Emotionally and mentally exhausted. I need a change. Do I need a different job? Do I need a different routine? Do I just need a change of heart? I don't know, but I really need to figure stuff out.

One more thing, that I have to just say. It's about love. We speak about love, we make movies about love, we dream and sing songs about it. Lately, I'm really having to "face" what real love is--how to Love others completely and totally. Love is not just a word, or something that should be taken lightly. Love is an act. And it's shown in so many different ways, but recently for me, I'm learning once again that the people that you love are going to make choices that will slowly destroy their lives. And Love, love is patient. It doesn't judge. It doesn't condemn. It listens, and it consoles. It supports, and it speaks truth. The hardest part about Love, is that it doesn't force. It doesn't force people to change. And it isn't conditional. If people don't change, it doesn't abandon them. And maybe these are the best things about love. But I can honestly say that it's so hard to Love when you see people hurting themselves and there's nothing you can do about it. It's so hard not to judge and say "Why can't they see what they're doing to themselves." It's so hard to hear the stories of abuse and very unloving actions, to see them go back to it time and time again, and not give up.

It's funny I've been praying to have the kind of love that Jesus has for us. And it's exactly that kind of love. Unconditional, ready to accept us back even when we've fucked up again and again, ready to hear our woes and stories over and over (even when we're doing it to ourselves), gentle, kind, generous, full of truth. Even when I am being terrible, Jesus still loves me. When I'm hurting myself, he still loves me. When I intentionally or unintentionally hurt others, he still loves me. I should always be careful what I ask for right? If I knew how it would feel, how much it would hurt, how devastating it was, I don't know if I would have asked. But now that I know, now that I know, I want to better. I want to Love others better, and I want to be appreciative and open to the Love that is offered to me every day.  If that's the kind of love that I want, that is offered to me, it's the kind of love that I should give right?

⁸ Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. ⁹ The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,”^[a] and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Rom 13:8-10

So even though it's hard to see a friend hurting, and making decisions that may very well crush them, I am going to try out this whole Love thing. I am blown away by Love, completely and totally blown away.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  ⁸ Love never fails. 1 Cor 13:4-8