Wake Up.

I seem to cry at the drop of a hat these days. The other day on the news I saw a story about a teen who punched a older homeless man in the face. Unprovoked. I cried. I've been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy, which has all sorts of tragic situations, and I cry. I just sent my brother a facebook post saying how much I loved him, and I cried.

There are so many ugly things that happen in this world. People hurt others for fun. People get sick. People suffer. People are homeless, and hungry. People are sad, and incredibly lonely. It's enough to make me weep just to think about it. I honestly have to not think about it so that I won't get overwhelmed by all of the sorrow and pain and darkness that is prevalent in this world.

We, I, am called to be a light in the darkness. I am called to help, not to hurt. To have hands of healing and hospitality. To feed and encourage. To be a friend, and to reach out to the hopeless. That is my calling. That is my place in this world. Not to be overwhelmed, but to love in such a way that people can see a little light in the darkness. So that they can hope, and so they can see and feel something that is good and real.

I feel like I've been stuck in this rut. This rut that appreciates what I have in life--including hope--but I don't know that I've fully understood how lucky and blessed I am. I have a tattoo that says "freely you receive, so freely give." What have a received in life? A wonderful family. How can I bring people in to make them feel part of MY family. Great friends. How can I be a better friend, and more loving, kind, and open friend? A job that gives me flexibility. How can I show my thankfulness and appreciation to my bosses in trying times like these?

I think for the past couple of months, I've thought about me, and mostly me. I've thought about my happiness, and how maybe something else could make me happy, maybe a change could make me happy. But you know what I think will make me happy? Living my destiny. Being the person I was called to be. Faith, hope, love. It's time for me to wake up. It's time for me to open my eyes to life, the life that I have been blessed with, and the life that I have been called to. I think I'm ready, help me to be ready. Help me to act and to live like I'm supposed to live.

Remembering What "IT" Feels Like

I've completed a whole week of getting back on track--and can I just say it feels amazing?!? Eating healthy, making good choices, allowing myself to make some not so good choices, exercising, trying new things...I feel amazing. I feel like I am in control of my life--at least my health, and it's not like a vice-grip kind of control, but a "I know what I'm doing and I'm doing well" kind of control. 

I'm continuing to build the foundation for what I want my life to look like in the future. I want my life to full of fruits and veggies, balanced meals, exercise, fun times with friends, laughter, sleep, relaxation, and all over FULLNESS and BALANCE. I'm creating the person that I want to be, and living the life that I want to have. And IT feels good. So, I'm going to keep going. I'm going to stay on this road, and I'm just going to follow it where it leads me. God is good. :)

Yum!

I started my day off with a piece of zucchini bread from Back To Her Roots and a smoothie packed full of fruits and veggies. My tummy is happy and full, and hopefully this will be a great start to the new year.

One other goal I have for the next six months...try new recipes :)

A Fresh Start

I'm excited for the new school year. I love the fact that I still have that little marker to look forward to. When I was younger, it was all about meeting new classmates, and buying new clothes, and getting all of my fresh new school supplies. Now that I'm older, it's about planning fun activities for my afterschool program, prepping programs like SMART Girls, mentoring kids and volunteers, and really getting our overall program into tiptop shape.

It's also about getting myself into tiptop shape. This past year has been like a flat line for me. I've started, and stopped, had great intentions, and didn't follow through. It's as if I'd forgotten all that I had learned before with the whole lifestyle change thing. And while I know I can never forget, I do know that I started to ignore the things that I knew and the things that I learned. What's worse than never knowing what's good for you is knowing and consciously choosing something different.

I'm realizing once again that I choose what my life is. I choose whether I'm active, and I choose whether I'm engaged. I choose whether I run everyday, and I choose what I spend my money on. So, I have some goals for the new school year. I actually specifically have goals for the next 6 months. These next six months are going to figure significantly in where I go and what I do next, and what I want to do in these next six months, is live my life to the fullest.

Health:
1) I want to eat less meat. I want my meals to consist mostly of whole grains, fruits and veggies, and a little meat. I do love meat, but I'm finding that I CAN live without it. I don't want to live completely without it, but I do want to cut back. Another part of this goal--I want to eat organic/local/happy meat. I want to be more conscious about what I'm putting into my body, and how it's treated before it becomes a big steak.
2) I want to lose about 40 lbs, or 1.5 lbs a week. I would love to be a solid size 12 or 10.
3) I want to be able to run a 10k without stopping, preferably in less that 1 hr and 10 mins. I know this 10k coming up on Sunday is not going to be my best. But I do know that I want to progress in such a way that I'm running 10ks, then 15ks, then a half marathon by next year.
4)I want to finish that dang 100 days of Weight Loss book. Seriously, I know it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I want to do it. I want to finish it, and say I completely it.
5)I want to eat a great breakfast, and healthy lunch and dinner. I want to have snacks during the day that make sense.
6) I want to go to the gym at least 3 days out of the week, and I want to exercise 5 days out of the week.

Work:
1)I want to get our 2-5th grade program up and running smoothly.
2)I want to continue with the foundation that I laid for K-1, and make it even better.
3)I want to run a really successful, fun SMART Girls program this year.
4)I want my staff to feel fulfilled and happy with their jobs.
5)I want to get our volunteer program up and running efficiently.
6)I want the kids to enjoy a really quality program.

Spiritual Life:
1)I want to continue to discover how my relationship with God is going to thrive. I want to be open to new things, I want to be open to what he wants, and I want to grow and be closer to him.
2)I want to meet new people from church and begin to develop solid relationships.
3)I want to be committed to Tabitha, and I want to volunteer 2 times a month.
4)I want to be more patient, kind, generous, and self disciplined... :-/ This is going to take a lot :)
5)I want to stick to my budget, and continue to remember that what I have was given to me.

Random:
1)I want to keep my apartment clean--and not just for a couple of days!
2)I want to get rid of the clutter and random stuff I have lying around.
3)I want to be regularly involved with a board games and/or poker group :)

Six months...is not a very long time. This year has gone by so quickly, and I want to make the most of what I have left. These are my plans, these are my goals, and hopefully they're in line with what God wants for my life. I'm just going to live, and try to be in tune to where I'm supposed to go next. God is good, he is faithful, and he is good.


"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4

A Sure Thing

Breaking out the guitar after almost a year of not playing is hard on the fingertips. I'm just sayin'.

Anyway, in the midst of all this confusion, and decision-making and general unsettled-ness, I am sure of a few things. One, that I have the most amazing, supportive, friends in the world. Two, ditto for my family. I am so thankful for them and I hope I never take them for granted. And three, that in all of this, God is there. He is listening, and counting every tear, and he is guiding me through the craziness of this life.

In my younger, more devoted years I would memorize scripture, and that dedication has paid off in my older years because it's those verses that strengthen me, the comfort me, and that remind me where to turn to. As I was talking to God today, I ended my ramblings with this verse, a verse that I normally end my prayers with, but it just really stuck out to me:

"Show me your ways, and teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth, and teach me. For you are God my savior, and my hope is in you all day long."  Psalm 25:4-5

I realize that his ways, and his paths are not necessarily what I might choose, or even see at this moment. And I know that that is scary. It's scary for me. It bothers me that I don't know where I might go next, and that I might have to give up all that I've worked for and spent my life doing. It makes me anxious to think that the plans that I have for myself are not as great as I thought they were, and in reality, are not the plans he has for me. But, but, but, he is God. And not just God, he is my savior. He is the one who never lets me be consumed, who has provided for me and pulled me from my darkest moments. So what else can I do, where else can I turn? My hope is in him.

I have some cards in my hand that I'm not quite sure are going to win the pot. They could, but I don't know. The cards he has in his hand, are a sure thing. I know it. So I'm folding my hand, and putting all of my chips in his stack. I'm betting on God. I'm betting on faith. My hope is in Him.

Searching For God Knows What

It's days like these, dreary, rainy, cool (er) Seattle days that make me want to write. I'm pretty sure it's not the weather.  Let's be honest. I'm still in that slump that I was talking about. Oh yes, I'm making an effort, and I'm happy that I have, but I'm just wondering, what do I want? I've come to a point where I have no idea where I want to go or who I want to be, or what even my purpose is in life. I'm feel like I'm at this crossroads and all I want to do is close my eyes and just point. I don't want the responsibility of choosing.

Do I want to stay in Seattle or move to Hawaii? I have built a wonderful, beautiful life here. I have wonderful friends, a job that pays with benefits, an apartment that I adore, a church that helps me to grow, and a social life that is only lacking when I want it to be. I have opportunities to do so much, and I see so many fun things on the horizon. But to be honest, I feel, stuck. I feel lonely, and I feel restless. I feel like I have all these things but that I was made for something more.

My whole life I have been dutiful. I got good grades, I graduated from high school AND college in 3 years, I landed a full time job that I've worked at for 5 mostly wonderful years, I have my own apartment, I work as a manager, I've had boyfriends, the whole nine yards. I've been responsible. I've achieved so much. I've worked hard, been loyal and diligent, and I have reaped the rewards. So why does it feel so meaningless and empty? What else could I want or desire?

Here's what I do know. I want to work with people. I want to help them, and I want to serve them, and I want them to know that they are cared for. I want to feed people. I want fill their bellies with food, and fill their hearts with confidence and love and self worth. I want to welcome people. I want to have them in my home, and I want my home to feel like their home. I want what's mine to be theirs, and I want to live openly and generously. I want to share life with others. I want to share my life, and I want others to have a happy and content life.

This post, is so mixed up, and so fuzzy. I'm struggling with so many thoughts and doubts and wishes and prayers and hopes and dreams and sometimes, many times, I just feel exhausted. I feel lonely. I feel scared. I feel hopeful. I feel full of life, and energetic. But mostly, I feel a burning desire for something bigger than I am, and more wonderful than I can dream. I don't know if it's in Seattle, Hawaii, or wherever. What I do know is that I want it, I need it, and I'm going after it. Even if it makes no sense. Even if it seems foolish. Even if it doesn't follow all of the rules. I'm going after life. A full life, a life that I can share freely and openly with others.

End Of Summer Slump

There's always a point in my happy go lucky life when I decide to focus on everything I DON'T have. This results in me sulking and contemplating how I can change everything and basically wasting time being bummed out. I'm struggling with the whole 10k training, which is bumming me out. I'm missing my bff who's unavailable because of health reasons, and I feel loathe to make an effort to do or see anyone. Then I feel guilty about it :)

I can't change everything with a snap of my fingers. What I can do is focus on what I do have. I have friends who love me and want to hang out with me. I need to call them, and make an effort instead of declining invitations and being antisocial. I have people who want to be friends who repeatedly contact me to hang out. I need to return those calls and let some new people in my life. I have food in my fridge. I need to cook it (which I did make collard greens and fajitas today). I have cleaning that needs to get done (dishes...check!). I have a bike, I can definitely take it out for a nice ride. I have greenlake right next to me and people who want to run with me.I have community groups and game groups that I am a part of--I need to go, and I need to make an effort.

I want and NEED to get out of this summer slump. I think fasting is going to be a really good idea for the upcoming weeks :)