I've been struggling. Struggling with, so much. And in the midst of all of this, I've been struggling the most, with my faith--or lack thereof. You see, when everything in your life feels like it's falling apart, the one thing that should keep your head above water is your trust that there is something, SOMEONE who is there, holding you up, keeping you afloat. Someone who will not let you be consumed. Throughout my life I've had that confidence, although there have been plenty of times that that confidence has wavered. And there have been several times that I've been low--really low--and that faith brings me back.
This time, oh this time, felt so bleak and empty. I don't know that I've ever felt this low, this depressed, this anxious, this panicked, and all of my tricks, all of my tactics to comfort myself failed me. I turned to God, I turned to my faith, and it felt like he wasn't there. It felt like all these times of wandering away, choosing other things--myself and what I wanted to do namely--resulting in God throwing his hands up and saying "I'm done." That feeling, was the worst thing that I've ever experienced. Thinking that he was no longer listening, that I went to far, that he wanted nothing to do with me--completely terrifying, and lonely.
In my head, I knew this wasn't the case. In my heart, I was broken, desperate, fearful. In Hawaii I felt like I was being told "go back to the basics." But again I was fearful because I didn't want to make the wrong step. My biggest fear in my faith is missing the point--missing what God is actually doing because I'm so focused on being "christian." I didn't want to go through the motions but have it mean nothing. I didn't want to take theses "steps" just to realize that I, as I put so eloquently in my journal, "missed the mark." But I thought, 'What else can I do? I have nothing, I feel nothing but fear and desperation.' Some days were good, but most days I woke up with that pit, that anxiety, that fear of dying and forever being separated from what I know is good and true. And that previous sentence delves into some fear and anxiety that will need it's own post--but that's what I was feeling.
These past two and a half weeks I've been reading, journaling, and praying. Doing the basics, and feeling woefully inadequate and still a bit fearful. This morning, I decided to make myself breakfast--a bagel, sliced apple, tea, water--the whole works. And I sat down and listened to the sermon that we were going to be talking about tonight in community group. And I'm writing furiously because he's talking about showing up, and how important that is, but that we can't think we're finished, that we have to press further. He's talking about how important discipline is--and that we shirk discipline because when we do stuff that we don't want to do, it feels "inauthentic." And aren't we all about the authentic experience, and being true to how we FEEL. (Let me tell you my feelings are COMPLETELY crazy and irrational sometimes.)
And he talked about how our efforts do not equal revelation from God. But he said that we we press in, we are better able to see how God is already revealing himself and present in our everyday lives. He talks about how when we come, God is there blessing or "kneeling" before us. That in his profound self confidence, he kneels down and comes to us again and again. In my mind, it evoked this picture of a father kneeling before his kids. And he said in all of this, God says 'I came to you first.' And when he said that, my whole heart--heavy with despair began to lift. He came to me first. He humbled himself, died for me, loved me more completely and totally that I ever thought I could be loved. All of these fears of not being good enough, him leaving me and giving up on me, were completely unfounded. And the re-realization of this, just relieved all of the fears that have plagued me for the better part of a month. He came to me first--and he will always come for me.
At this point I was weeping, and of course, the perfect song for everything that I was feeling came to my mind and I just had a good cry, feeling really enveloped by his grace, his love, and his goodness. God is good, he is faithful, and he is perfect in his relationship with me. I want to continue to press in, and be conscious (probably never perfect) in my relationship with him as well.
"I thought I had seen the end, everything broken--but you were there. I've wandered at heaven's gates; I've made my bed in hell--You were there, still." Gungor, You Have Me
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
left brain/right brain?
Took this test twice. First with my original answers. Second with my "second guess" answers. I feel like I'm a combo of the two :) Go figure!
Auditory : 40%
Visual : 60%
Left : 46%
Right : 53%
Visual : 60%
Left : 46%
Right : 53%
Tiffany, you possess an interesting balance of hemispheric and sensory characteristics, with a slight right-brain dominance and a slight preference for visual processing.
Since neither of these is completely centered, you lack the indecision and second-guessing associated with other patterns. You have a distinct preference for creativity and intuition with seemingly sufficient verbal skills to be able to translate in any meaningful way to yourself and others.
You tend to see things in "wholes" without surrendering the ability to attend to details. You can give them sufficient notice to be able to utitlize and incorporate them as part of an overall pattern.
In the same way, while you are active and process information simultaneously, you demonstrate a capacity for sequencing as well as reflection which allows for some "inner dialogue."
All in all, you are likely to be quite content with yourself and your style although at times it will not necessarily be appreciated by others. You have sufficient confidence to not second-guess yourself, but rather to use your critical faculties in a way that enhances, rather than limits, your creativity.
You can learn in either mode although far more efficiently within the visual mode. It is likely that in listening to conversations or lecture materials you simultaneously translate into pictures which enhance and elaborate on the meaning.
It is most likely that you will gravitate towards those endeavors which are predominantly visual but include some logic or structuring. You may either work particularly hard at cultivating your auditory skills or risk "missing out" on being able to efficiently process what you learn. Your own intuitive skills will at times interfere with your capacity to listen to others, which is something else you may need to take into account.
Auditory : 40%
Visual : 60%
Left : 58%
Right : 41%
Visual : 60%
Left : 58%
Right : 41%
Your left-hemisphere dominance implies that your learning style is organized and structured, detail oriented and logical. Your visual preference, though, has you seeking stimulation and multiple data. Such an outlook can overwhelm structure and logic and create an almost continuous state of uncertainty and agitation. You may well suffer a feeling of continually trying to "catch up" with yourself.
Your tendency to be organized and logical and attend to details is reasonably well-established which should afford you success regardless of your chosen field of endeavor. You can "size up" situations and take in information rapidly. However, you must then subject that data to being classified and organized which causes you to "lose touch" with the immediacy of the problem.
Your logical and methodical nature hamper you in this regard though in the long run it may work to your advantage since you "learn from experience" and can go through the process more rapidly on subsequent occasions.
You remain predominantly functional in your orientation and practical. Abstraction and theory are secondary to application. In keeping with this, you focus on details until they manifest themselves in a unique pattern and only then work with the "larger whole."
With regards to your career choices, you have a mentality that would be good as a scientist, coach, athlete, design consultant, or an engineering technician. You can "see where you want to go" and even be able to "tell yourself," but find that you are "fighting yourself" at the darndest times.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Grown Up
It just hit me as I was walking into my living room and sitting down, that I actually feel like a grown up. I feel like my life is under control, that I'm making positive choices and steps in my life, and that I have a great base of friends and family. I think that it's a realization that's been coming on as I've contemplated moving to Hawaii. I am doing a great job on my own. And it feels good. I feel like I'm more grateful, more aware, more active. I love my life, and I love the people in it. It's a very interesting feeling, but I think I like it :)
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Nothing Feels Better Than Doing It
And not that kind of doing it ;) Haha just kidding. I've been dreading my weigh in, dreading what it would be like to start running again and ultimately dreading starting this process again. I was so ashamed of where I had let myself get...back into the 220s, not running at all, eating terribly. I was really ashamed of the fact that I pretty much gained all of that weight in the last 2.5 months of 2011. I had all of these plans, all of these desires, all of these goals...and somehow they just fell to the wayside and instead of losing 15 lbs, I GAINED 15 lbs. Shame spiral 101.
And then I weighed myself. I did it, and came face to face with a number I NEVER thought I'd see again. Back in 2010, I waved goodbye to the 220s, 210s, and said peace out. Well, 226 hello. But I did it, and something in me said, "this is not me. this is not right. I'm better than this." I don't WANT to be better than this, I AM better than this.
So I planned out my meals. I went grocery shopping. I researched "flexitarianism" (basically a plant based diet with occasional meat) and knew it was for me. I did my yoga last night, and I went to bed so that I could get 7 hours of sleep and wake up early in the morning...to run.
I was dreading this run. This was the girl who ran a 5k every month for a year then a 10k this past September. Dreading running. This is not who I am. I ate an apple, drank a bit of water, did my morning reading, and felt like I was going to throw up. I was literally gagging a bit over the toilet (sorry for the TMI), I think it was nerves, but also eating just an apple. Whatevs. Then I got out there.
I went to the track...where it all started in summer of 2010. Where I couldn't even run 1 lap. Where I did pretty much all of my C25k training. And I started to run. I told myself I would at least do 1 mile, but would do 2 miles if it went well. Well, let me tell you, it was so good. It was like...I don't know the reuniting of peanut butter and jelly. Me and running just GO together. Seriously. It was so perfect. There was a light, off and on drizzle, I had the whole track to myself basically, and I ran. I ran at a good pace, and I KILLED that two miles, and felt like I could have done a whole 5k no problem.
I didn't, because I want to get back into the groove without hurting myself, but I did intervals on the way home and ran the last half mile home. It was amazing. All that anxiety, dread, and complacency all dashed by one thing--taking action and just DOING it. My running goal this year of doing a 15k this year without stopping? I'm doing it. My goal of eating healthy, whole, CONSCIOUS food? I'm doing it. My goal of losing 60 lbs? I'm doing it. Nothing, nothing, feels better than doing it.
And then I weighed myself. I did it, and came face to face with a number I NEVER thought I'd see again. Back in 2010, I waved goodbye to the 220s, 210s, and said peace out. Well, 226 hello. But I did it, and something in me said, "this is not me. this is not right. I'm better than this." I don't WANT to be better than this, I AM better than this.
So I planned out my meals. I went grocery shopping. I researched "flexitarianism" (basically a plant based diet with occasional meat) and knew it was for me. I did my yoga last night, and I went to bed so that I could get 7 hours of sleep and wake up early in the morning...to run.
I was dreading this run. This was the girl who ran a 5k every month for a year then a 10k this past September. Dreading running. This is not who I am. I ate an apple, drank a bit of water, did my morning reading, and felt like I was going to throw up. I was literally gagging a bit over the toilet (sorry for the TMI), I think it was nerves, but also eating just an apple. Whatevs. Then I got out there.
I went to the track...where it all started in summer of 2010. Where I couldn't even run 1 lap. Where I did pretty much all of my C25k training. And I started to run. I told myself I would at least do 1 mile, but would do 2 miles if it went well. Well, let me tell you, it was so good. It was like...I don't know the reuniting of peanut butter and jelly. Me and running just GO together. Seriously. It was so perfect. There was a light, off and on drizzle, I had the whole track to myself basically, and I ran. I ran at a good pace, and I KILLED that two miles, and felt like I could have done a whole 5k no problem.
I didn't, because I want to get back into the groove without hurting myself, but I did intervals on the way home and ran the last half mile home. It was amazing. All that anxiety, dread, and complacency all dashed by one thing--taking action and just DOING it. My running goal this year of doing a 15k this year without stopping? I'm doing it. My goal of eating healthy, whole, CONSCIOUS food? I'm doing it. My goal of losing 60 lbs? I'm doing it. Nothing, nothing, feels better than doing it.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Weigh In
Ok, this is one of the hardest things that I've had to do, because it's essentially admitting that I've messed up. And admitting that, to the general public, and whoever reads this blog, is humbling. Really humbling. But I've decided that this year will be a year of honesty, transparency, and really opening myself up to people. So here it goes. I've gained...20 lbs over the last year. And most of it happened in the past 2 months. How did this happen you ask? Overindulgence. Laziness. Not exercising.
Really that's it. I haven't kept up good habits, and I haven't been really watching what I put in my body. And to be honest, I've been watching, but not caring what I put in. And that's what really bothers me. So I'm starting fresh. It's the beginning of the year, and I want to try to be 160 by the end of the year. That's essentially 60 lbs, ok, maybe more like 65. But I'm not going to get there by mourning the weight that I gained, or sitting around pouting about it. I'm going to get there by picking myself up, readopting the habits that I KNOW I can do, and believing in myself.
Weigh In
1/9/2011: 226.2
Goals
Eat 3 vegetarian meals this week
Run 3x this week
Yoga 2x this week
Really that's it. I haven't kept up good habits, and I haven't been really watching what I put in my body. And to be honest, I've been watching, but not caring what I put in. And that's what really bothers me. So I'm starting fresh. It's the beginning of the year, and I want to try to be 160 by the end of the year. That's essentially 60 lbs, ok, maybe more like 65. But I'm not going to get there by mourning the weight that I gained, or sitting around pouting about it. I'm going to get there by picking myself up, readopting the habits that I KNOW I can do, and believing in myself.
Weigh In
1/9/2011: 226.2
Goals
Eat 3 vegetarian meals this week
Run 3x this week
Yoga 2x this week
Flexitarian
I have decided to become a Flexitarian. What is that you say? It's a person who eats a mostly plant based diet but has meat every once in awhile. After having a FANTASTIC tofu-broccoli stir fry, I'm convinced that this whole "trying new things" and "having at least 3 vegetarian meals a week" is a great idea. And after researching some vegetarian meals, I'm more than convinced. I'm so excited to try out my new recipes.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Inspiration & Motivation
"It's all about self-motivation because at the end of the day, you can have all the trainers and all the money in the world, but if you don't have that mindset, it's not possible." Jennifer Hudson
Jennifer Hudson has always been gorgeous to me. Curvy, beautiful, and talented. I always said I'd rather look like Jennifer Hudson rather than Jennifer Aniston. Now here she is, with 80 lbs lost and she went from, as Tim Gunn said "stunning to staggering." She is beautiful at any size, and I love how she said she's always been comfortable with her body, but acknowledges the changes and differences that come with her slimmed down look.
Watching her on the Oprah show (I know I'm behind) really inspired me. She's totally right about the self-motivation. Only I can set a goal and stick to it, and really know what I want. It's a mindset thing, and if I want it, really want it, I can get it.
I want, to be a size 8. Seriously. Just once in my life as an adult I want to be a one digit size. I want to be scared and say size 10, but I'm going to go for it. I've accomplished SO MUCH. I can do this. Whatever comes first, 50 lbs or size 8. I'm going for it.
I want, to run a half marathon. I want to be a runner and my ultimate goal is a half marathon.
I want, to run 15 miles a week by the end of the year. That's really only a 5k every day. But I'd ideally like to run only 3-4 days a week.
I want, to hold a plank for 2 minutes by the end of March. Seriously ya'll, I'm getting my upper body TONED.
I want, to eat healthy, whole, yummy foods, and to be open to appreciating foods I don't normally like.
I want, to learn how to sew my own clothes. And when I get smaller, I'll need less fabric :)
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd. Seriously. I do.
"It's our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Albus Dumbledore
Watching her on the Oprah show (I know I'm behind) really inspired me. She's totally right about the self-motivation. Only I can set a goal and stick to it, and really know what I want. It's a mindset thing, and if I want it, really want it, I can get it.
I want, to be a size 8. Seriously. Just once in my life as an adult I want to be a one digit size. I want to be scared and say size 10, but I'm going to go for it. I've accomplished SO MUCH. I can do this. Whatever comes first, 50 lbs or size 8. I'm going for it.
I want, to run a half marathon. I want to be a runner and my ultimate goal is a half marathon.
I want, to run 15 miles a week by the end of the year. That's really only a 5k every day. But I'd ideally like to run only 3-4 days a week.
I want, to hold a plank for 2 minutes by the end of March. Seriously ya'll, I'm getting my upper body TONED.
I want, to eat healthy, whole, yummy foods, and to be open to appreciating foods I don't normally like.
I want, to learn how to sew my own clothes. And when I get smaller, I'll need less fabric :)
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd. Seriously. I do.
"It's our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Albus Dumbledore
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Bad Dreams
I've had bad dreams for the past two days! Boo. Usually when I have a bad dream, I get out of bed, go into the living room and turn on the TV with my blankets, and let the characters and stories on the screen lull me back to sleep. There's something comforting about other people--even if they're just on TV.
Today, my dream involved a lot of fears that I have, and unlike those other dreams, it's hard for me to let it melt into nothingness-all I can do is think about it. Several fears surfaced--my fear of elevators and heights. We were in a swanky hotel and the elevators were acting funny, opening between floors, stopping when they weren't supposed to, etc. Being stuck in a malfunctioning elevator terrifies me. I have images of me plummeting to my death in an elevator or elevator shaft--pretty gruesome I know.
Anyway, we escaped out of the elevator onto the roof of the 99plus story bldg (I know this cause we were trying to get down but the 'normal' stairs only went up to floor 99 and we were higher than that...wtf?!?). The top of the bldg was moving. Swaying like crazy in the wind, and I was like "how the hell are we getting down." My brother suggested going down the stairs on the SIDE of the bldg and I quickly squashed that idea. My mum said that stairs inside we would have to "drop into" and I was like "what??" so somehow, in my dream I decided to get on the elevator and go down...even though they were on code black and weren't supposed to be working...I made it to the bottom (yay dreams).
But then, I was separated from my family. I didn't know if they were ok, and I didn't have my phone on my. Now my dream got weird with this whole storyline about someone stealing my phone, and names of people from VA in it and all that stuff but it connected up when I ended up in a Starbucks like restaurant, and these girls from my childhood were sitting at a table in the busy place having a party. The recognized me and were like "Hey" and were all friendly and chittchatty, but none of them really LOOKED at me. If you know what I mean. None of them were really, truly, happy to see me. They were all fake, and I obviously was not going to be in the inner circle. Then Bridgett (a wonderful friend from college) was suddenly there in line with a blonde wig on, and she helped me out with her phone (so I could call my fam), and directing me to a table with people that I knew. And it was amazing because I had this huge wad of gum stuck in my mouth that I was trying to pull out, and one of the girls was laughing with me and trying to help me pull it out.
And then the dream was done. I broke away and woke up, and I have been thinking about that dream ever since. When I lived in Virginia, there was always this sense of not belonging. I wasn't black or white, so I didn't fit. I had some good friends, great friends in fact, but I knew that in the overall scheme of things, I didn't fit. That I wouldn't be accepted by the majority. And there are so many factors that go into that, that I don't want to unpack here. But that knowledge was there.
So here I am 13 years after I left that place, and I'm realizing that I'm still living as if I'll never be accepted. I'm still living, afraid that people are never going to truly acknowledge me, or accept me for who I am. Even though I know that I'm a great person, and have a great circle of friends. I have this general distrust of the population, of the majority, and I've let that affect my interaction with that perceived majority.
"There is no fear in love." B-I-B-L-E
"Only when we are no longer afraid, do we begin to live." Dorothy Thompson
"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we might often win, by fearing to attempt." Jane Adams
My past is something that I want to learn from. I don't want it to define me, and I don't want to carry the burdens from my past. I want to be better, stronger, happier, more confident because of my past. I don't want to let it cause me to draw back in fear, uncertainty, or doubt about who I am. I am good enough. I am a whole, complete, wonderful, beautiful, incredible person. I'm not second rate, and I fit exactly where I need to. These bad dreams are going to go away.
Today, my dream involved a lot of fears that I have, and unlike those other dreams, it's hard for me to let it melt into nothingness-all I can do is think about it. Several fears surfaced--my fear of elevators and heights. We were in a swanky hotel and the elevators were acting funny, opening between floors, stopping when they weren't supposed to, etc. Being stuck in a malfunctioning elevator terrifies me. I have images of me plummeting to my death in an elevator or elevator shaft--pretty gruesome I know.
Anyway, we escaped out of the elevator onto the roof of the 99plus story bldg (I know this cause we were trying to get down but the 'normal' stairs only went up to floor 99 and we were higher than that...wtf?!?). The top of the bldg was moving. Swaying like crazy in the wind, and I was like "how the hell are we getting down." My brother suggested going down the stairs on the SIDE of the bldg and I quickly squashed that idea. My mum said that stairs inside we would have to "drop into" and I was like "what??" so somehow, in my dream I decided to get on the elevator and go down...even though they were on code black and weren't supposed to be working...I made it to the bottom (yay dreams).
But then, I was separated from my family. I didn't know if they were ok, and I didn't have my phone on my. Now my dream got weird with this whole storyline about someone stealing my phone, and names of people from VA in it and all that stuff but it connected up when I ended up in a Starbucks like restaurant, and these girls from my childhood were sitting at a table in the busy place having a party. The recognized me and were like "Hey" and were all friendly and chittchatty, but none of them really LOOKED at me. If you know what I mean. None of them were really, truly, happy to see me. They were all fake, and I obviously was not going to be in the inner circle. Then Bridgett (a wonderful friend from college) was suddenly there in line with a blonde wig on, and she helped me out with her phone (so I could call my fam), and directing me to a table with people that I knew. And it was amazing because I had this huge wad of gum stuck in my mouth that I was trying to pull out, and one of the girls was laughing with me and trying to help me pull it out.
And then the dream was done. I broke away and woke up, and I have been thinking about that dream ever since. When I lived in Virginia, there was always this sense of not belonging. I wasn't black or white, so I didn't fit. I had some good friends, great friends in fact, but I knew that in the overall scheme of things, I didn't fit. That I wouldn't be accepted by the majority. And there are so many factors that go into that, that I don't want to unpack here. But that knowledge was there.
So here I am 13 years after I left that place, and I'm realizing that I'm still living as if I'll never be accepted. I'm still living, afraid that people are never going to truly acknowledge me, or accept me for who I am. Even though I know that I'm a great person, and have a great circle of friends. I have this general distrust of the population, of the majority, and I've let that affect my interaction with that perceived majority.
"There is no fear in love." B-I-B-L-E
"Only when we are no longer afraid, do we begin to live." Dorothy Thompson
"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we might often win, by fearing to attempt." Jane Adams
My past is something that I want to learn from. I don't want it to define me, and I don't want to carry the burdens from my past. I want to be better, stronger, happier, more confident because of my past. I don't want to let it cause me to draw back in fear, uncertainty, or doubt about who I am. I am good enough. I am a whole, complete, wonderful, beautiful, incredible person. I'm not second rate, and I fit exactly where I need to. These bad dreams are going to go away.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Healthier Choices
Three weeks of vacation is a lot. I never thought that I'd say that but it is. When you have so much time on your hands, at least one of those weeks is spent just "laying around." Which is perfectly fine. But I'm not getting paid for a week of work so I probably could have spent that in Seattle. Ah well. I also miss my cat. My friends are giving me updates on how unhappy she is and I think she misses me too--which makes my cold little heart melt a little.
Laying around here means access to a ton of unhealthy food. I quickly got sucked in to the chips, cookies, candy and all sorts of yummy (and terrible for you) snacks around here. But, this week, I'm trying to be better. The parents and brother are going to another movie--two movies in two weeks is enough for me. Instead of sitting on my bum eating the inevitable popcorn and slurping a cold bubbly soda, I'm going to do some yoga.
I'm trying to be better about not comparing myself to others. Specifically, beating myself up for not doing what other people are doing. This year, I'm going to try to keep my focus solely on myself. In the healthy way. I'm going to focus on my goals, not other peoples goals. I'm going to focus on what I'm achieving, not criticizing myself for not achieving what other people are doing.
I'm excited for what the new year is going to bring, and I'm truly excited for how this year is going to unfold.
Laying around here means access to a ton of unhealthy food. I quickly got sucked in to the chips, cookies, candy and all sorts of yummy (and terrible for you) snacks around here. But, this week, I'm trying to be better. The parents and brother are going to another movie--two movies in two weeks is enough for me. Instead of sitting on my bum eating the inevitable popcorn and slurping a cold bubbly soda, I'm going to do some yoga.
I'm trying to be better about not comparing myself to others. Specifically, beating myself up for not doing what other people are doing. This year, I'm going to try to keep my focus solely on myself. In the healthy way. I'm going to focus on my goals, not other peoples goals. I'm going to focus on what I'm achieving, not criticizing myself for not achieving what other people are doing.
I'm excited for what the new year is going to bring, and I'm truly excited for how this year is going to unfold.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Goals, goals, goals
Ah, it's almost a new year and it's that time again! New Year's resolutions, goals, whatever you want to call them, I'm ready for the new year to come so I can start. And actually, I don't need to wait for the new year. I'm going to start today. I'll be 26 in a couple of days, so how about 26 goals for 26 years?
--My overall goal is to be open to new experiences. Whether it's a different exercise, restaurant, activity, style, etc., I want to open myself up to new experiences, and enrich my life a little bit more.
1)Learn to sew.
--I want to get a sewing machine, and learn to make at least ONE thing. At least.
2)Get a passport.
--I've been procrastinating on this for so long, I just need to do it.
3)Stick with my budget.
--I'm pretty good at that, but I could be better. I want to stick with it (especially with the paying off bills) every time.
4)Lose 50 lbs
--Yes, it's that weight loss goal that's pretty standard for every NY resolution. Well I've done it once, let's try it again.
5)Attend church 2/4 Sundays.
--I know I should probably be shooting for more, but considering I haven't been in forever, this seems like a good start.
6)Learn what a serving of fruits and veggies is, and eat at least 5 servings every day.
--People always say eat such and such servings of fruits and veggies, but I'm unsure what an actual serving is. So there's some learning in order.
7)And speaking of food, I want to find a way to eat beans more.
--This sounds strange, but I really don't like beans, but they're such a healthy protein so I need to figure out how to incorporate them into my diet in a healthy way.
8)Have 3 meals a week be vegetarian.
--Hence the bean thing. I know I'm gonna need protein so. yea. And it's cheaper :)
9)Stick to my eating out budget.
--Either budget more moolah or eat out less. Something's gotta give.
10)Try new restaurants.
--I tend to stick to my favorites, so, I need to try new stuff. This includes new pubs :)
11)Plan out recipes and stick to them!
--I really want to a)find some yummy recipes and b)actually make them.
12)Buy less clothes.
--Seriously, I'm going to cut down on my clothes budget. I have way too many right now, and I need to be more creative.
13)Do 30 for 30 at least once, and stick to the no shopping for 30 days.
--I was weak before, but I think I can have some self control...maybe.
14)Blog more.
--Blogging is cathartic. So I'm going to figure out WHAT I want to blog about, what my goals for my blog(s) are, and possible consolidate. I know I'm interested in recipes, fashion, weight loss, and good deals...so maybe I can make some "themes." Outfit of the day might have to be incorporated as well.
15)Develop relationships with new people.
--I'm so that girl who can be happy with just her circle of friends. I need to reach out and be friendlier. I especially want to meet more people I have things in common with.
16)Do a monthly "goal" check up.
--I love making long term goals, but I keep on track better with short term goals to help my long term goals.
17)Volunteer.
--I don't know where, or what, but I do know I want to make the time this year.
18)Run a 15k. You know, without stopping.
--I did a year of 5ks, I've done a 10k, and this year, I want to do that 15k without stopping. I'm out of shape so I gotta start small. 2013 half marathon?? I'm going to plan out some 5ks, then a 10k, then a 15k by mid year. If I'm going strong, I'll plan for the half marathon.
19)Buy better quality food.
--Buy what matters organic. But the best meat. Don't be cheap on what I put in my body.
20)Remember birthdays for all my family.
--I have been terrible at remembering to send stuff for my aunt, uncles, and grandparents. No more.
21)Send a care package every quarter.
--I know this sounds weird, but I want to do it. I'll have to figure out who I'm going to do it for.
22)Write my sponsored children more.
--I am that sponsor who sends 3 cards all at the same time. No more!
23)Work on my relationship with God.
--This should technically be number one, but sadly I've put this on the back burner. No more. I don't want to be religious, but I want to be a better person--more patient, kind, loving, gentle...you know...all those things.
24)Develop a cleaning schedule.
--I'm going to be 26, I need to learn how to keep my apartment clean.
25)Be more outdoorsy.
--I want to hike, kayak, canoe...I just want to be outside more. Oo, this includes ride my bike more :)
26)I'm not sure what I'm going to put in here quite yet. I want to have a goal here by July 2012.
So there we go. 26 goals achieved by age 26. I'm so proud of who I am, and decisions that I've made. I haven't been perfect this year, but I do know (mostly) what I want, so I'm going to go after it.
--My overall goal is to be open to new experiences. Whether it's a different exercise, restaurant, activity, style, etc., I want to open myself up to new experiences, and enrich my life a little bit more.
1)Learn to sew.
--I want to get a sewing machine, and learn to make at least ONE thing. At least.
2)Get a passport.
--I've been procrastinating on this for so long, I just need to do it.
3)Stick with my budget.
--I'm pretty good at that, but I could be better. I want to stick with it (especially with the paying off bills) every time.
4)Lose 50 lbs
--Yes, it's that weight loss goal that's pretty standard for every NY resolution. Well I've done it once, let's try it again.
5)Attend church 2/4 Sundays.
--I know I should probably be shooting for more, but considering I haven't been in forever, this seems like a good start.
6)Learn what a serving of fruits and veggies is, and eat at least 5 servings every day.
--People always say eat such and such servings of fruits and veggies, but I'm unsure what an actual serving is. So there's some learning in order.
7)And speaking of food, I want to find a way to eat beans more.
--This sounds strange, but I really don't like beans, but they're such a healthy protein so I need to figure out how to incorporate them into my diet in a healthy way.
8)Have 3 meals a week be vegetarian.
--Hence the bean thing. I know I'm gonna need protein so. yea. And it's cheaper :)
9)Stick to my eating out budget.
--Either budget more moolah or eat out less. Something's gotta give.
10)Try new restaurants.
--I tend to stick to my favorites, so, I need to try new stuff. This includes new pubs :)
11)Plan out recipes and stick to them!
--I really want to a)find some yummy recipes and b)actually make them.
12)Buy less clothes.
--Seriously, I'm going to cut down on my clothes budget. I have way too many right now, and I need to be more creative.
13)Do 30 for 30 at least once, and stick to the no shopping for 30 days.
--I was weak before, but I think I can have some self control...maybe.
14)Blog more.
--Blogging is cathartic. So I'm going to figure out WHAT I want to blog about, what my goals for my blog(s) are, and possible consolidate. I know I'm interested in recipes, fashion, weight loss, and good deals...so maybe I can make some "themes." Outfit of the day might have to be incorporated as well.
15)Develop relationships with new people.
--I'm so that girl who can be happy with just her circle of friends. I need to reach out and be friendlier. I especially want to meet more people I have things in common with.
16)Do a monthly "goal" check up.
--I love making long term goals, but I keep on track better with short term goals to help my long term goals.
17)Volunteer.
--I don't know where, or what, but I do know I want to make the time this year.
18)Run a 15k. You know, without stopping.
--I did a year of 5ks, I've done a 10k, and this year, I want to do that 15k without stopping. I'm out of shape so I gotta start small. 2013 half marathon?? I'm going to plan out some 5ks, then a 10k, then a 15k by mid year. If I'm going strong, I'll plan for the half marathon.
19)Buy better quality food.
--Buy what matters organic. But the best meat. Don't be cheap on what I put in my body.
20)Remember birthdays for all my family.
--I have been terrible at remembering to send stuff for my aunt, uncles, and grandparents. No more.
21)Send a care package every quarter.
--I know this sounds weird, but I want to do it. I'll have to figure out who I'm going to do it for.
22)Write my sponsored children more.
--I am that sponsor who sends 3 cards all at the same time. No more!
23)Work on my relationship with God.
--This should technically be number one, but sadly I've put this on the back burner. No more. I don't want to be religious, but I want to be a better person--more patient, kind, loving, gentle...you know...all those things.
24)Develop a cleaning schedule.
--I'm going to be 26, I need to learn how to keep my apartment clean.
25)Be more outdoorsy.
--I want to hike, kayak, canoe...I just want to be outside more. Oo, this includes ride my bike more :)
26)I'm not sure what I'm going to put in here quite yet. I want to have a goal here by July 2012.
So there we go. 26 goals achieved by age 26. I'm so proud of who I am, and decisions that I've made. I haven't been perfect this year, but I do know (mostly) what I want, so I'm going to go after it.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Home.
They say "home is where the heart is." As I was traveling to Hawaii, thinking of my impending doom on my flight (where did this flying phobia come from??), I was struck by my thoughts of "coming home." Hawaii, for those of you who don't know, is not home. This is only my third time being here, but, two of my most favorite people in the world live here--my parents. These are the people who love me, support me, spoil me, teach me, and guide me. These are the people who raised me, who taught me how to live. These are my role models, who I aspire to be like. I love my parents more than I can say. And they are home. Being with them, with my brother by my side, is the epitome of home to me. They are my heart.
I never thought that I would have another place that I would consider home. But over the past five years, Seattle has become a home to me. My friends, who have loved me, encouraged me, challenged me, and laughed with me, have become a second "home" to me. My job, my church, my pub, my cat...they've all become a part of this home that has enveloped me and made me content and thirsting for more at the same time.
I know this isn't a life changing post, and certainly not the most exciting for getting back on the wagon while blogging, but I'm immensely grateful for my homes and the people who make them.
I never thought that I would have another place that I would consider home. But over the past five years, Seattle has become a home to me. My friends, who have loved me, encouraged me, challenged me, and laughed with me, have become a second "home" to me. My job, my church, my pub, my cat...they've all become a part of this home that has enveloped me and made me content and thirsting for more at the same time.
I know this isn't a life changing post, and certainly not the most exciting for getting back on the wagon while blogging, but I'm immensely grateful for my homes and the people who make them.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Wake Up.
I seem to cry at the drop of a hat these days. The other day on the news I saw a story about a teen who punched a older homeless man in the face. Unprovoked. I cried. I've been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy, which has all sorts of tragic situations, and I cry. I just sent my brother a facebook post saying how much I loved him, and I cried.
There are so many ugly things that happen in this world. People hurt others for fun. People get sick. People suffer. People are homeless, and hungry. People are sad, and incredibly lonely. It's enough to make me weep just to think about it. I honestly have to not think about it so that I won't get overwhelmed by all of the sorrow and pain and darkness that is prevalent in this world.
We, I, am called to be a light in the darkness. I am called to help, not to hurt. To have hands of healing and hospitality. To feed and encourage. To be a friend, and to reach out to the hopeless. That is my calling. That is my place in this world. Not to be overwhelmed, but to love in such a way that people can see a little light in the darkness. So that they can hope, and so they can see and feel something that is good and real.
I feel like I've been stuck in this rut. This rut that appreciates what I have in life--including hope--but I don't know that I've fully understood how lucky and blessed I am. I have a tattoo that says "freely you receive, so freely give." What have a received in life? A wonderful family. How can I bring people in to make them feel part of MY family. Great friends. How can I be a better friend, and more loving, kind, and open friend? A job that gives me flexibility. How can I show my thankfulness and appreciation to my bosses in trying times like these?
I think for the past couple of months, I've thought about me, and mostly me. I've thought about my happiness, and how maybe something else could make me happy, maybe a change could make me happy. But you know what I think will make me happy? Living my destiny. Being the person I was called to be. Faith, hope, love. It's time for me to wake up. It's time for me to open my eyes to life, the life that I have been blessed with, and the life that I have been called to. I think I'm ready, help me to be ready. Help me to act and to live like I'm supposed to live.
There are so many ugly things that happen in this world. People hurt others for fun. People get sick. People suffer. People are homeless, and hungry. People are sad, and incredibly lonely. It's enough to make me weep just to think about it. I honestly have to not think about it so that I won't get overwhelmed by all of the sorrow and pain and darkness that is prevalent in this world.
We, I, am called to be a light in the darkness. I am called to help, not to hurt. To have hands of healing and hospitality. To feed and encourage. To be a friend, and to reach out to the hopeless. That is my calling. That is my place in this world. Not to be overwhelmed, but to love in such a way that people can see a little light in the darkness. So that they can hope, and so they can see and feel something that is good and real.
I feel like I've been stuck in this rut. This rut that appreciates what I have in life--including hope--but I don't know that I've fully understood how lucky and blessed I am. I have a tattoo that says "freely you receive, so freely give." What have a received in life? A wonderful family. How can I bring people in to make them feel part of MY family. Great friends. How can I be a better friend, and more loving, kind, and open friend? A job that gives me flexibility. How can I show my thankfulness and appreciation to my bosses in trying times like these?
I think for the past couple of months, I've thought about me, and mostly me. I've thought about my happiness, and how maybe something else could make me happy, maybe a change could make me happy. But you know what I think will make me happy? Living my destiny. Being the person I was called to be. Faith, hope, love. It's time for me to wake up. It's time for me to open my eyes to life, the life that I have been blessed with, and the life that I have been called to. I think I'm ready, help me to be ready. Help me to act and to live like I'm supposed to live.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Remembering What "IT" Feels Like
I've completed a whole week of getting back on track--and can I just say it feels amazing?!? Eating healthy, making good choices, allowing myself to make some not so good choices, exercising, trying new things...I feel amazing. I feel like I am in control of my life--at least my health, and it's not like a vice-grip kind of control, but a "I know what I'm doing and I'm doing well" kind of control.
I'm continuing to build the foundation for what I want my life to look like in the future. I want my life to full of fruits and veggies, balanced meals, exercise, fun times with friends, laughter, sleep, relaxation, and all over FULLNESS and BALANCE. I'm creating the person that I want to be, and living the life that I want to have. And IT feels good. So, I'm going to keep going. I'm going to stay on this road, and I'm just going to follow it where it leads me. God is good. :)
I'm continuing to build the foundation for what I want my life to look like in the future. I want my life to full of fruits and veggies, balanced meals, exercise, fun times with friends, laughter, sleep, relaxation, and all over FULLNESS and BALANCE. I'm creating the person that I want to be, and living the life that I want to have. And IT feels good. So, I'm going to keep going. I'm going to stay on this road, and I'm just going to follow it where it leads me. God is good. :)
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Yum!
I started my day off with a piece of zucchini bread from Back To Her Roots and a smoothie packed full of fruits and veggies. My tummy is happy and full, and hopefully this will be a great start to the new year.
One other goal I have for the next six months...try new recipes :)
One other goal I have for the next six months...try new recipes :)
Sunday, September 4, 2011
A Fresh Start
I'm excited for the new school year. I love the fact that I still have that little marker to look forward to. When I was younger, it was all about meeting new classmates, and buying new clothes, and getting all of my fresh new school supplies. Now that I'm older, it's about planning fun activities for my afterschool program, prepping programs like SMART Girls, mentoring kids and volunteers, and really getting our overall program into tiptop shape.
It's also about getting myself into tiptop shape. This past year has been like a flat line for me. I've started, and stopped, had great intentions, and didn't follow through. It's as if I'd forgotten all that I had learned before with the whole lifestyle change thing. And while I know I can never forget, I do know that I started to ignore the things that I knew and the things that I learned. What's worse than never knowing what's good for you is knowing and consciously choosing something different.
I'm realizing once again that I choose what my life is. I choose whether I'm active, and I choose whether I'm engaged. I choose whether I run everyday, and I choose what I spend my money on. So, I have some goals for the new school year. I actually specifically have goals for the next 6 months. These next six months are going to figure significantly in where I go and what I do next, and what I want to do in these next six months, is live my life to the fullest.
Health:
1) I want to eat less meat. I want my meals to consist mostly of whole grains, fruits and veggies, and a little meat. I do love meat, but I'm finding that I CAN live without it. I don't want to live completely without it, but I do want to cut back. Another part of this goal--I want to eat organic/local/happy meat. I want to be more conscious about what I'm putting into my body, and how it's treated before it becomes a big steak.
2) I want to lose about 40 lbs, or 1.5 lbs a week. I would love to be a solid size 12 or 10.
3) I want to be able to run a 10k without stopping, preferably in less that 1 hr and 10 mins. I know this 10k coming up on Sunday is not going to be my best. But I do know that I want to progress in such a way that I'm running 10ks, then 15ks, then a half marathon by next year.
4)I want to finish that dang 100 days of Weight Loss book. Seriously, I know it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I want to do it. I want to finish it, and say I completely it.
5)I want to eat a great breakfast, and healthy lunch and dinner. I want to have snacks during the day that make sense.
6) I want to go to the gym at least 3 days out of the week, and I want to exercise 5 days out of the week.
Work:
1)I want to get our 2-5th grade program up and running smoothly.
2)I want to continue with the foundation that I laid for K-1, and make it even better.
3)I want to run a really successful, fun SMART Girls program this year.
4)I want my staff to feel fulfilled and happy with their jobs.
5)I want to get our volunteer program up and running efficiently.
6)I want the kids to enjoy a really quality program.
Spiritual Life:
1)I want to continue to discover how my relationship with God is going to thrive. I want to be open to new things, I want to be open to what he wants, and I want to grow and be closer to him.
2)I want to meet new people from church and begin to develop solid relationships.
3)I want to be committed to Tabitha, and I want to volunteer 2 times a month.
4)I want to be more patient, kind, generous, and self disciplined... :-/ This is going to take a lot :)
5)I want to stick to my budget, and continue to remember that what I have was given to me.
Random:
1)I want to keep my apartment clean--and not just for a couple of days!
2)I want to get rid of the clutter and random stuff I have lying around.
3)I want to be regularly involved with a board games and/or poker group :)
Six months...is not a very long time. This year has gone by so quickly, and I want to make the most of what I have left. These are my plans, these are my goals, and hopefully they're in line with what God wants for my life. I'm just going to live, and try to be in tune to where I'm supposed to go next. God is good, he is faithful, and he is good.
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4
It's also about getting myself into tiptop shape. This past year has been like a flat line for me. I've started, and stopped, had great intentions, and didn't follow through. It's as if I'd forgotten all that I had learned before with the whole lifestyle change thing. And while I know I can never forget, I do know that I started to ignore the things that I knew and the things that I learned. What's worse than never knowing what's good for you is knowing and consciously choosing something different.
I'm realizing once again that I choose what my life is. I choose whether I'm active, and I choose whether I'm engaged. I choose whether I run everyday, and I choose what I spend my money on. So, I have some goals for the new school year. I actually specifically have goals for the next 6 months. These next six months are going to figure significantly in where I go and what I do next, and what I want to do in these next six months, is live my life to the fullest.
Health:
1) I want to eat less meat. I want my meals to consist mostly of whole grains, fruits and veggies, and a little meat. I do love meat, but I'm finding that I CAN live without it. I don't want to live completely without it, but I do want to cut back. Another part of this goal--I want to eat organic/local/happy meat. I want to be more conscious about what I'm putting into my body, and how it's treated before it becomes a big steak.
2) I want to lose about 40 lbs, or 1.5 lbs a week. I would love to be a solid size 12 or 10.
3) I want to be able to run a 10k without stopping, preferably in less that 1 hr and 10 mins. I know this 10k coming up on Sunday is not going to be my best. But I do know that I want to progress in such a way that I'm running 10ks, then 15ks, then a half marathon by next year.
4)I want to finish that dang 100 days of Weight Loss book. Seriously, I know it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I want to do it. I want to finish it, and say I completely it.
5)I want to eat a great breakfast, and healthy lunch and dinner. I want to have snacks during the day that make sense.
6) I want to go to the gym at least 3 days out of the week, and I want to exercise 5 days out of the week.
Work:
1)I want to get our 2-5th grade program up and running smoothly.
2)I want to continue with the foundation that I laid for K-1, and make it even better.
3)I want to run a really successful, fun SMART Girls program this year.
4)I want my staff to feel fulfilled and happy with their jobs.
5)I want to get our volunteer program up and running efficiently.
6)I want the kids to enjoy a really quality program.
Spiritual Life:
1)I want to continue to discover how my relationship with God is going to thrive. I want to be open to new things, I want to be open to what he wants, and I want to grow and be closer to him.
2)I want to meet new people from church and begin to develop solid relationships.
3)I want to be committed to Tabitha, and I want to volunteer 2 times a month.
4)I want to be more patient, kind, generous, and self disciplined... :-/ This is going to take a lot :)
5)I want to stick to my budget, and continue to remember that what I have was given to me.
Random:
1)I want to keep my apartment clean--and not just for a couple of days!
2)I want to get rid of the clutter and random stuff I have lying around.
3)I want to be regularly involved with a board games and/or poker group :)
Six months...is not a very long time. This year has gone by so quickly, and I want to make the most of what I have left. These are my plans, these are my goals, and hopefully they're in line with what God wants for my life. I'm just going to live, and try to be in tune to where I'm supposed to go next. God is good, he is faithful, and he is good.
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
A Sure Thing
Breaking out the guitar after almost a year of not playing is hard on the fingertips. I'm just sayin'.
Anyway, in the midst of all this confusion, and decision-making and general unsettled-ness, I am sure of a few things. One, that I have the most amazing, supportive, friends in the world. Two, ditto for my family. I am so thankful for them and I hope I never take them for granted. And three, that in all of this, God is there. He is listening, and counting every tear, and he is guiding me through the craziness of this life.
In my younger, more devoted years I would memorize scripture, and that dedication has paid off in my older years because it's those verses that strengthen me, the comfort me, and that remind me where to turn to. As I was talking to God today, I ended my ramblings with this verse, a verse that I normally end my prayers with, but it just really stuck out to me:
"Show me your ways, and teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth, and teach me. For you are God my savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:4-5
I realize that his ways, and his paths are not necessarily what I might choose, or even see at this moment. And I know that that is scary. It's scary for me. It bothers me that I don't know where I might go next, and that I might have to give up all that I've worked for and spent my life doing. It makes me anxious to think that the plans that I have for myself are not as great as I thought they were, and in reality, are not the plans he has for me. But, but, but, he is God. And not just God, he is my savior. He is the one who never lets me be consumed, who has provided for me and pulled me from my darkest moments. So what else can I do, where else can I turn? My hope is in him.
I have some cards in my hand that I'm not quite sure are going to win the pot. They could, but I don't know. The cards he has in his hand, are a sure thing. I know it. So I'm folding my hand, and putting all of my chips in his stack. I'm betting on God. I'm betting on faith. My hope is in Him.
Anyway, in the midst of all this confusion, and decision-making and general unsettled-ness, I am sure of a few things. One, that I have the most amazing, supportive, friends in the world. Two, ditto for my family. I am so thankful for them and I hope I never take them for granted. And three, that in all of this, God is there. He is listening, and counting every tear, and he is guiding me through the craziness of this life.
In my younger, more devoted years I would memorize scripture, and that dedication has paid off in my older years because it's those verses that strengthen me, the comfort me, and that remind me where to turn to. As I was talking to God today, I ended my ramblings with this verse, a verse that I normally end my prayers with, but it just really stuck out to me:
"Show me your ways, and teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth, and teach me. For you are God my savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:4-5
I realize that his ways, and his paths are not necessarily what I might choose, or even see at this moment. And I know that that is scary. It's scary for me. It bothers me that I don't know where I might go next, and that I might have to give up all that I've worked for and spent my life doing. It makes me anxious to think that the plans that I have for myself are not as great as I thought they were, and in reality, are not the plans he has for me. But, but, but, he is God. And not just God, he is my savior. He is the one who never lets me be consumed, who has provided for me and pulled me from my darkest moments. So what else can I do, where else can I turn? My hope is in him.
I have some cards in my hand that I'm not quite sure are going to win the pot. They could, but I don't know. The cards he has in his hand, are a sure thing. I know it. So I'm folding my hand, and putting all of my chips in his stack. I'm betting on God. I'm betting on faith. My hope is in Him.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Searching For God Knows What
It's days like these, dreary, rainy, cool (er) Seattle days that make me want to write. I'm pretty sure it's not the weather. Let's be honest. I'm still in that slump that I was talking about. Oh yes, I'm making an effort, and I'm happy that I have, but I'm just wondering, what do I want? I've come to a point where I have no idea where I want to go or who I want to be, or what even my purpose is in life. I'm feel like I'm at this crossroads and all I want to do is close my eyes and just point. I don't want the responsibility of choosing.
Do I want to stay in Seattle or move to Hawaii? I have built a wonderful, beautiful life here. I have wonderful friends, a job that pays with benefits, an apartment that I adore, a church that helps me to grow, and a social life that is only lacking when I want it to be. I have opportunities to do so much, and I see so many fun things on the horizon. But to be honest, I feel, stuck. I feel lonely, and I feel restless. I feel like I have all these things but that I was made for something more.
My whole life I have been dutiful. I got good grades, I graduated from high school AND college in 3 years, I landed a full time job that I've worked at for 5 mostly wonderful years, I have my own apartment, I work as a manager, I've had boyfriends, the whole nine yards. I've been responsible. I've achieved so much. I've worked hard, been loyal and diligent, and I have reaped the rewards. So why does it feel so meaningless and empty? What else could I want or desire?
Here's what I do know. I want to work with people. I want to help them, and I want to serve them, and I want them to know that they are cared for. I want to feed people. I want fill their bellies with food, and fill their hearts with confidence and love and self worth. I want to welcome people. I want to have them in my home, and I want my home to feel like their home. I want what's mine to be theirs, and I want to live openly and generously. I want to share life with others. I want to share my life, and I want others to have a happy and content life.
This post, is so mixed up, and so fuzzy. I'm struggling with so many thoughts and doubts and wishes and prayers and hopes and dreams and sometimes, many times, I just feel exhausted. I feel lonely. I feel scared. I feel hopeful. I feel full of life, and energetic. But mostly, I feel a burning desire for something bigger than I am, and more wonderful than I can dream. I don't know if it's in Seattle, Hawaii, or wherever. What I do know is that I want it, I need it, and I'm going after it. Even if it makes no sense. Even if it seems foolish. Even if it doesn't follow all of the rules. I'm going after life. A full life, a life that I can share freely and openly with others.
Do I want to stay in Seattle or move to Hawaii? I have built a wonderful, beautiful life here. I have wonderful friends, a job that pays with benefits, an apartment that I adore, a church that helps me to grow, and a social life that is only lacking when I want it to be. I have opportunities to do so much, and I see so many fun things on the horizon. But to be honest, I feel, stuck. I feel lonely, and I feel restless. I feel like I have all these things but that I was made for something more.
My whole life I have been dutiful. I got good grades, I graduated from high school AND college in 3 years, I landed a full time job that I've worked at for 5 mostly wonderful years, I have my own apartment, I work as a manager, I've had boyfriends, the whole nine yards. I've been responsible. I've achieved so much. I've worked hard, been loyal and diligent, and I have reaped the rewards. So why does it feel so meaningless and empty? What else could I want or desire?
Here's what I do know. I want to work with people. I want to help them, and I want to serve them, and I want them to know that they are cared for. I want to feed people. I want fill their bellies with food, and fill their hearts with confidence and love and self worth. I want to welcome people. I want to have them in my home, and I want my home to feel like their home. I want what's mine to be theirs, and I want to live openly and generously. I want to share life with others. I want to share my life, and I want others to have a happy and content life.
This post, is so mixed up, and so fuzzy. I'm struggling with so many thoughts and doubts and wishes and prayers and hopes and dreams and sometimes, many times, I just feel exhausted. I feel lonely. I feel scared. I feel hopeful. I feel full of life, and energetic. But mostly, I feel a burning desire for something bigger than I am, and more wonderful than I can dream. I don't know if it's in Seattle, Hawaii, or wherever. What I do know is that I want it, I need it, and I'm going after it. Even if it makes no sense. Even if it seems foolish. Even if it doesn't follow all of the rules. I'm going after life. A full life, a life that I can share freely and openly with others.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
End Of Summer Slump
There's always a point in my happy go lucky life when I decide to focus on everything I DON'T have. This results in me sulking and contemplating how I can change everything and basically wasting time being bummed out. I'm struggling with the whole 10k training, which is bumming me out. I'm missing my bff who's unavailable because of health reasons, and I feel loathe to make an effort to do or see anyone. Then I feel guilty about it :)
I can't change everything with a snap of my fingers. What I can do is focus on what I do have. I have friends who love me and want to hang out with me. I need to call them, and make an effort instead of declining invitations and being antisocial. I have people who want to be friends who repeatedly contact me to hang out. I need to return those calls and let some new people in my life. I have food in my fridge. I need to cook it (which I did make collard greens and fajitas today). I have cleaning that needs to get done (dishes...check!). I have a bike, I can definitely take it out for a nice ride. I have greenlake right next to me and people who want to run with me.I have community groups and game groups that I am a part of--I need to go, and I need to make an effort.
I want and NEED to get out of this summer slump. I think fasting is going to be a really good idea for the upcoming weeks :)
I can't change everything with a snap of my fingers. What I can do is focus on what I do have. I have friends who love me and want to hang out with me. I need to call them, and make an effort instead of declining invitations and being antisocial. I have people who want to be friends who repeatedly contact me to hang out. I need to return those calls and let some new people in my life. I have food in my fridge. I need to cook it (which I did make collard greens and fajitas today). I have cleaning that needs to get done (dishes...check!). I have a bike, I can definitely take it out for a nice ride. I have greenlake right next to me and people who want to run with me.I have community groups and game groups that I am a part of--I need to go, and I need to make an effort.
I want and NEED to get out of this summer slump. I think fasting is going to be a really good idea for the upcoming weeks :)
Appetites
I listened to a teaching from Richard the other day about fasting, and why we fast. He said that consumerism has taught us to live by our appetites, but that this is a false kind of satisfaction. We need to control our appetites, not because they're bad, but because if we let them get out of control, they control us. It's an act of moving into freedom.
He made some really good points. One, that fasting is normal. It's something that's expected of us. In order to fast, we need to recognize where our appetites go first. Where do we go for comfort? Do we go straight to food, the internet, naps, sex, shopping? That's where we need to go first. I love that he says that our appetites aren't wrong, and that they're a gift from God. The point is not to destroy them, it's to let our spirit be in control rather than our bodies.
His next point was that when we fast, it's not just about "not putting on a gloomy face," it's about celebration. We fast with the intent of being a blessing to someone else. He said that when we fast, and quiet our hearts, God gives us agendas--ways to bless others--and that life becomes so full that we don't have time to focus and obsess over what we're NOT getting.
Lastly, that we can't serve our appetites and God at the same time. When we're led by our appetites, our hearts become hard, and he can't see the goodness and provision that is given to us. We always want more, and our appetite is never satiated. God calls us to this "upside down kingdom," this life of living generously with our time, energy, and possessions. Fasting, and other practices of discipline helps our focus to be clarified, and it helps us to see what God is doing and the fullness of life he is giving us.
I thought at first of shopping when I thought of fasting, but right now, with my new budget and the ways that God is changing my mind with money, it doesn't seem like something that I go to for comfort. I think right now, media is the one thing that I really need to take a break from. I need a break from facebook, from reading blogs, from watching TV on DVD while cruising the internet, from games that the kiddos get me addicted to, from craigslist and my eternal job search....I just need a break. I need to break away and engage other senses, as well as people.
So, after work, I give myself 1.5 hours a day to watch a T.V. show, or cruise the internet, or play games, or do whatever it is I do wasting my time on the internet :) 1.5 hours actually seems like SUCH a long time, but I know that some days I come home and just lay down on the couch and veg. And I want so much more than that. I need so much more than that. I don't think that includes workout videos--I'm actually doing something active and beneficial when I do those, but everything else is limited to 1.5 hours for the rest of August. Let's see what God can do eh?
He made some really good points. One, that fasting is normal. It's something that's expected of us. In order to fast, we need to recognize where our appetites go first. Where do we go for comfort? Do we go straight to food, the internet, naps, sex, shopping? That's where we need to go first. I love that he says that our appetites aren't wrong, and that they're a gift from God. The point is not to destroy them, it's to let our spirit be in control rather than our bodies.
His next point was that when we fast, it's not just about "not putting on a gloomy face," it's about celebration. We fast with the intent of being a blessing to someone else. He said that when we fast, and quiet our hearts, God gives us agendas--ways to bless others--and that life becomes so full that we don't have time to focus and obsess over what we're NOT getting.
Lastly, that we can't serve our appetites and God at the same time. When we're led by our appetites, our hearts become hard, and he can't see the goodness and provision that is given to us. We always want more, and our appetite is never satiated. God calls us to this "upside down kingdom," this life of living generously with our time, energy, and possessions. Fasting, and other practices of discipline helps our focus to be clarified, and it helps us to see what God is doing and the fullness of life he is giving us.
I thought at first of shopping when I thought of fasting, but right now, with my new budget and the ways that God is changing my mind with money, it doesn't seem like something that I go to for comfort. I think right now, media is the one thing that I really need to take a break from. I need a break from facebook, from reading blogs, from watching TV on DVD while cruising the internet, from games that the kiddos get me addicted to, from craigslist and my eternal job search....I just need a break. I need to break away and engage other senses, as well as people.
So, after work, I give myself 1.5 hours a day to watch a T.V. show, or cruise the internet, or play games, or do whatever it is I do wasting my time on the internet :) 1.5 hours actually seems like SUCH a long time, but I know that some days I come home and just lay down on the couch and veg. And I want so much more than that. I need so much more than that. I don't think that includes workout videos--I'm actually doing something active and beneficial when I do those, but everything else is limited to 1.5 hours for the rest of August. Let's see what God can do eh?
Monday, August 1, 2011
Cash Flow...
So this whole tithe thing is freaking me out a little bit. It's like I'm finding money everywhere in my apartment. I sold that phone, I just sold a nintendo ds lite that I got for free for $60, and I just got together a bunch of books and textbooks that I haven't touched in years (or know I won't read again) and sold them for $150. Well, I've tentatively sold them for $150. I'll have to see if they're all accepted. Good news is that shipping is free :) That's over $300 in the past 24 hours or so. Craziness. God is good.
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