And not that kind of doing it ;) Haha just kidding. I've been dreading my weigh in, dreading what it would be like to start running again and ultimately dreading starting this process again. I was so ashamed of where I had let myself get...back into the 220s, not running at all, eating terribly. I was really ashamed of the fact that I pretty much gained all of that weight in the last 2.5 months of 2011. I had all of these plans, all of these desires, all of these goals...and somehow they just fell to the wayside and instead of losing 15 lbs, I GAINED 15 lbs. Shame spiral 101.
And then I weighed myself. I did it, and came face to face with a number I NEVER thought I'd see again. Back in 2010, I waved goodbye to the 220s, 210s, and said peace out. Well, 226 hello. But I did it, and something in me said, "this is not me. this is not right. I'm better than this." I don't WANT to be better than this, I AM better than this.
So I planned out my meals. I went grocery shopping. I researched "flexitarianism" (basically a plant based diet with occasional meat) and knew it was for me. I did my yoga last night, and I went to bed so that I could get 7 hours of sleep and wake up early in the morning...to run.
I was dreading this run. This was the girl who ran a 5k every month for a year then a 10k this past September. Dreading running. This is not who I am. I ate an apple, drank a bit of water, did my morning reading, and felt like I was going to throw up. I was literally gagging a bit over the toilet (sorry for the TMI), I think it was nerves, but also eating just an apple. Whatevs. Then I got out there.
I went to the track...where it all started in summer of 2010. Where I couldn't even run 1 lap. Where I did pretty much all of my C25k training. And I started to run. I told myself I would at least do 1 mile, but would do 2 miles if it went well. Well, let me tell you, it was so good. It was like...I don't know the reuniting of peanut butter and jelly. Me and running just GO together. Seriously. It was so perfect. There was a light, off and on drizzle, I had the whole track to myself basically, and I ran. I ran at a good pace, and I KILLED that two miles, and felt like I could have done a whole 5k no problem.
I didn't, because I want to get back into the groove without hurting myself, but I did intervals on the way home and ran the last half mile home. It was amazing. All that anxiety, dread, and complacency all dashed by one thing--taking action and just DOING it. My running goal this year of doing a 15k this year without stopping? I'm doing it. My goal of eating healthy, whole, CONSCIOUS food? I'm doing it. My goal of losing 60 lbs? I'm doing it. Nothing, nothing, feels better than doing it.
Showing posts with label commitment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label commitment. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
Inspiration & Motivation
"It's all about self-motivation because at the end of the day, you can have all the trainers and all the money in the world, but if you don't have that mindset, it's not possible." Jennifer Hudson
Jennifer Hudson has always been gorgeous to me. Curvy, beautiful, and talented. I always said I'd rather look like Jennifer Hudson rather than Jennifer Aniston. Now here she is, with 80 lbs lost and she went from, as Tim Gunn said "stunning to staggering." She is beautiful at any size, and I love how she said she's always been comfortable with her body, but acknowledges the changes and differences that come with her slimmed down look.
Watching her on the Oprah show (I know I'm behind) really inspired me. She's totally right about the self-motivation. Only I can set a goal and stick to it, and really know what I want. It's a mindset thing, and if I want it, really want it, I can get it.
I want, to be a size 8. Seriously. Just once in my life as an adult I want to be a one digit size. I want to be scared and say size 10, but I'm going to go for it. I've accomplished SO MUCH. I can do this. Whatever comes first, 50 lbs or size 8. I'm going for it.
I want, to run a half marathon. I want to be a runner and my ultimate goal is a half marathon.
I want, to run 15 miles a week by the end of the year. That's really only a 5k every day. But I'd ideally like to run only 3-4 days a week.
I want, to hold a plank for 2 minutes by the end of March. Seriously ya'll, I'm getting my upper body TONED.
I want, to eat healthy, whole, yummy foods, and to be open to appreciating foods I don't normally like.
I want, to learn how to sew my own clothes. And when I get smaller, I'll need less fabric :)
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd. Seriously. I do.
"It's our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Albus Dumbledore
Watching her on the Oprah show (I know I'm behind) really inspired me. She's totally right about the self-motivation. Only I can set a goal and stick to it, and really know what I want. It's a mindset thing, and if I want it, really want it, I can get it.
I want, to be a size 8. Seriously. Just once in my life as an adult I want to be a one digit size. I want to be scared and say size 10, but I'm going to go for it. I've accomplished SO MUCH. I can do this. Whatever comes first, 50 lbs or size 8. I'm going for it.
I want, to run a half marathon. I want to be a runner and my ultimate goal is a half marathon.
I want, to run 15 miles a week by the end of the year. That's really only a 5k every day. But I'd ideally like to run only 3-4 days a week.
I want, to hold a plank for 2 minutes by the end of March. Seriously ya'll, I'm getting my upper body TONED.
I want, to eat healthy, whole, yummy foods, and to be open to appreciating foods I don't normally like.
I want, to learn how to sew my own clothes. And when I get smaller, I'll need less fabric :)
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd. Seriously. I do.
"It's our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Albus Dumbledore
Sunday, September 4, 2011
A Fresh Start
I'm excited for the new school year. I love the fact that I still have that little marker to look forward to. When I was younger, it was all about meeting new classmates, and buying new clothes, and getting all of my fresh new school supplies. Now that I'm older, it's about planning fun activities for my afterschool program, prepping programs like SMART Girls, mentoring kids and volunteers, and really getting our overall program into tiptop shape.
It's also about getting myself into tiptop shape. This past year has been like a flat line for me. I've started, and stopped, had great intentions, and didn't follow through. It's as if I'd forgotten all that I had learned before with the whole lifestyle change thing. And while I know I can never forget, I do know that I started to ignore the things that I knew and the things that I learned. What's worse than never knowing what's good for you is knowing and consciously choosing something different.
I'm realizing once again that I choose what my life is. I choose whether I'm active, and I choose whether I'm engaged. I choose whether I run everyday, and I choose what I spend my money on. So, I have some goals for the new school year. I actually specifically have goals for the next 6 months. These next six months are going to figure significantly in where I go and what I do next, and what I want to do in these next six months, is live my life to the fullest.
Health:
1) I want to eat less meat. I want my meals to consist mostly of whole grains, fruits and veggies, and a little meat. I do love meat, but I'm finding that I CAN live without it. I don't want to live completely without it, but I do want to cut back. Another part of this goal--I want to eat organic/local/happy meat. I want to be more conscious about what I'm putting into my body, and how it's treated before it becomes a big steak.
2) I want to lose about 40 lbs, or 1.5 lbs a week. I would love to be a solid size 12 or 10.
3) I want to be able to run a 10k without stopping, preferably in less that 1 hr and 10 mins. I know this 10k coming up on Sunday is not going to be my best. But I do know that I want to progress in such a way that I'm running 10ks, then 15ks, then a half marathon by next year.
4)I want to finish that dang 100 days of Weight Loss book. Seriously, I know it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I want to do it. I want to finish it, and say I completely it.
5)I want to eat a great breakfast, and healthy lunch and dinner. I want to have snacks during the day that make sense.
6) I want to go to the gym at least 3 days out of the week, and I want to exercise 5 days out of the week.
Work:
1)I want to get our 2-5th grade program up and running smoothly.
2)I want to continue with the foundation that I laid for K-1, and make it even better.
3)I want to run a really successful, fun SMART Girls program this year.
4)I want my staff to feel fulfilled and happy with their jobs.
5)I want to get our volunteer program up and running efficiently.
6)I want the kids to enjoy a really quality program.
Spiritual Life:
1)I want to continue to discover how my relationship with God is going to thrive. I want to be open to new things, I want to be open to what he wants, and I want to grow and be closer to him.
2)I want to meet new people from church and begin to develop solid relationships.
3)I want to be committed to Tabitha, and I want to volunteer 2 times a month.
4)I want to be more patient, kind, generous, and self disciplined... :-/ This is going to take a lot :)
5)I want to stick to my budget, and continue to remember that what I have was given to me.
Random:
1)I want to keep my apartment clean--and not just for a couple of days!
2)I want to get rid of the clutter and random stuff I have lying around.
3)I want to be regularly involved with a board games and/or poker group :)
Six months...is not a very long time. This year has gone by so quickly, and I want to make the most of what I have left. These are my plans, these are my goals, and hopefully they're in line with what God wants for my life. I'm just going to live, and try to be in tune to where I'm supposed to go next. God is good, he is faithful, and he is good.
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4
It's also about getting myself into tiptop shape. This past year has been like a flat line for me. I've started, and stopped, had great intentions, and didn't follow through. It's as if I'd forgotten all that I had learned before with the whole lifestyle change thing. And while I know I can never forget, I do know that I started to ignore the things that I knew and the things that I learned. What's worse than never knowing what's good for you is knowing and consciously choosing something different.
I'm realizing once again that I choose what my life is. I choose whether I'm active, and I choose whether I'm engaged. I choose whether I run everyday, and I choose what I spend my money on. So, I have some goals for the new school year. I actually specifically have goals for the next 6 months. These next six months are going to figure significantly in where I go and what I do next, and what I want to do in these next six months, is live my life to the fullest.
Health:
1) I want to eat less meat. I want my meals to consist mostly of whole grains, fruits and veggies, and a little meat. I do love meat, but I'm finding that I CAN live without it. I don't want to live completely without it, but I do want to cut back. Another part of this goal--I want to eat organic/local/happy meat. I want to be more conscious about what I'm putting into my body, and how it's treated before it becomes a big steak.
2) I want to lose about 40 lbs, or 1.5 lbs a week. I would love to be a solid size 12 or 10.
3) I want to be able to run a 10k without stopping, preferably in less that 1 hr and 10 mins. I know this 10k coming up on Sunday is not going to be my best. But I do know that I want to progress in such a way that I'm running 10ks, then 15ks, then a half marathon by next year.
4)I want to finish that dang 100 days of Weight Loss book. Seriously, I know it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I want to do it. I want to finish it, and say I completely it.
5)I want to eat a great breakfast, and healthy lunch and dinner. I want to have snacks during the day that make sense.
6) I want to go to the gym at least 3 days out of the week, and I want to exercise 5 days out of the week.
Work:
1)I want to get our 2-5th grade program up and running smoothly.
2)I want to continue with the foundation that I laid for K-1, and make it even better.
3)I want to run a really successful, fun SMART Girls program this year.
4)I want my staff to feel fulfilled and happy with their jobs.
5)I want to get our volunteer program up and running efficiently.
6)I want the kids to enjoy a really quality program.
Spiritual Life:
1)I want to continue to discover how my relationship with God is going to thrive. I want to be open to new things, I want to be open to what he wants, and I want to grow and be closer to him.
2)I want to meet new people from church and begin to develop solid relationships.
3)I want to be committed to Tabitha, and I want to volunteer 2 times a month.
4)I want to be more patient, kind, generous, and self disciplined... :-/ This is going to take a lot :)
5)I want to stick to my budget, and continue to remember that what I have was given to me.
Random:
1)I want to keep my apartment clean--and not just for a couple of days!
2)I want to get rid of the clutter and random stuff I have lying around.
3)I want to be regularly involved with a board games and/or poker group :)
Six months...is not a very long time. This year has gone by so quickly, and I want to make the most of what I have left. These are my plans, these are my goals, and hopefully they're in line with what God wants for my life. I'm just going to live, and try to be in tune to where I'm supposed to go next. God is good, he is faithful, and he is good.
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Appetites
I listened to a teaching from Richard the other day about fasting, and why we fast. He said that consumerism has taught us to live by our appetites, but that this is a false kind of satisfaction. We need to control our appetites, not because they're bad, but because if we let them get out of control, they control us. It's an act of moving into freedom.
He made some really good points. One, that fasting is normal. It's something that's expected of us. In order to fast, we need to recognize where our appetites go first. Where do we go for comfort? Do we go straight to food, the internet, naps, sex, shopping? That's where we need to go first. I love that he says that our appetites aren't wrong, and that they're a gift from God. The point is not to destroy them, it's to let our spirit be in control rather than our bodies.
His next point was that when we fast, it's not just about "not putting on a gloomy face," it's about celebration. We fast with the intent of being a blessing to someone else. He said that when we fast, and quiet our hearts, God gives us agendas--ways to bless others--and that life becomes so full that we don't have time to focus and obsess over what we're NOT getting.
Lastly, that we can't serve our appetites and God at the same time. When we're led by our appetites, our hearts become hard, and he can't see the goodness and provision that is given to us. We always want more, and our appetite is never satiated. God calls us to this "upside down kingdom," this life of living generously with our time, energy, and possessions. Fasting, and other practices of discipline helps our focus to be clarified, and it helps us to see what God is doing and the fullness of life he is giving us.
I thought at first of shopping when I thought of fasting, but right now, with my new budget and the ways that God is changing my mind with money, it doesn't seem like something that I go to for comfort. I think right now, media is the one thing that I really need to take a break from. I need a break from facebook, from reading blogs, from watching TV on DVD while cruising the internet, from games that the kiddos get me addicted to, from craigslist and my eternal job search....I just need a break. I need to break away and engage other senses, as well as people.
So, after work, I give myself 1.5 hours a day to watch a T.V. show, or cruise the internet, or play games, or do whatever it is I do wasting my time on the internet :) 1.5 hours actually seems like SUCH a long time, but I know that some days I come home and just lay down on the couch and veg. And I want so much more than that. I need so much more than that. I don't think that includes workout videos--I'm actually doing something active and beneficial when I do those, but everything else is limited to 1.5 hours for the rest of August. Let's see what God can do eh?
He made some really good points. One, that fasting is normal. It's something that's expected of us. In order to fast, we need to recognize where our appetites go first. Where do we go for comfort? Do we go straight to food, the internet, naps, sex, shopping? That's where we need to go first. I love that he says that our appetites aren't wrong, and that they're a gift from God. The point is not to destroy them, it's to let our spirit be in control rather than our bodies.
His next point was that when we fast, it's not just about "not putting on a gloomy face," it's about celebration. We fast with the intent of being a blessing to someone else. He said that when we fast, and quiet our hearts, God gives us agendas--ways to bless others--and that life becomes so full that we don't have time to focus and obsess over what we're NOT getting.
Lastly, that we can't serve our appetites and God at the same time. When we're led by our appetites, our hearts become hard, and he can't see the goodness and provision that is given to us. We always want more, and our appetite is never satiated. God calls us to this "upside down kingdom," this life of living generously with our time, energy, and possessions. Fasting, and other practices of discipline helps our focus to be clarified, and it helps us to see what God is doing and the fullness of life he is giving us.
I thought at first of shopping when I thought of fasting, but right now, with my new budget and the ways that God is changing my mind with money, it doesn't seem like something that I go to for comfort. I think right now, media is the one thing that I really need to take a break from. I need a break from facebook, from reading blogs, from watching TV on DVD while cruising the internet, from games that the kiddos get me addicted to, from craigslist and my eternal job search....I just need a break. I need to break away and engage other senses, as well as people.
So, after work, I give myself 1.5 hours a day to watch a T.V. show, or cruise the internet, or play games, or do whatever it is I do wasting my time on the internet :) 1.5 hours actually seems like SUCH a long time, but I know that some days I come home and just lay down on the couch and veg. And I want so much more than that. I need so much more than that. I don't think that includes workout videos--I'm actually doing something active and beneficial when I do those, but everything else is limited to 1.5 hours for the rest of August. Let's see what God can do eh?
Monday, August 1, 2011
Cash Flow...
So this whole tithe thing is freaking me out a little bit. It's like I'm finding money everywhere in my apartment. I sold that phone, I just sold a nintendo ds lite that I got for free for $60, and I just got together a bunch of books and textbooks that I haven't touched in years (or know I won't read again) and sold them for $150. Well, I've tentatively sold them for $150. I'll have to see if they're all accepted. Good news is that shipping is free :) That's over $300 in the past 24 hours or so. Craziness. God is good.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Finishing Strong
On my last day of my 30 for 30, I was talking with a friend about being so tired of the project, and just throwing an outfit together and not really caring what it was, just that I was finished. He said something to the effect of "way to finish weak" or maybe he sarcastically said "way to finish strong," I'm not sure, but basically he was commenting on my lack of enthusiasm for my commitment near the end, and how I didn't want to really put any real thought or effort into it. That comment really stayed with me, and it's something I think about often.
I'm definitely the kind of person who gets an idea, or a vision, or a goal, and goes for it with everything that I have. I'm the kind of person who gets excited and inspired and wants to go after things, and is always looking for ways to improve and be a better person. This is something that I like about myself, it's something that for lack of a better word, I'm proud of. I like that I'm a dreamer. The not so glamorous side of a dreamer is the disappointment, the loss of "steam," and the motivation to keep going, even when the "dream" isn't going as expected, or it's lost it's new luster.
I felt that with college, I felt that with the 30 for 30, I feel that with work sometimes, and I feel that with my 5k commitment. What I do know, is that I finish. I'm proud that I finish. I'm glad that I follow through. I'm glad that I have shown that I am committed, no matter how I feel, and even when I want to give up--I don't. I'm not sure if "finishing strong" is important to me. I mean, I want to finish strong, but if I finish tired, or depleted, or with less enthusiasm, it doesn't diminish all of the hard work and enthusiasm and energy that went into the rest of it.
It's funny how words can have such impact on people. I'm tired of people making me feel bad for not being 100% all of the time. I'm tired of LETTING myself feel bad for not being 100% all of the time. I am human, and I have weaknesses, but I am also strong, and full of life. And I am proud of who I am--weaknesses and all :)
I'm definitely the kind of person who gets an idea, or a vision, or a goal, and goes for it with everything that I have. I'm the kind of person who gets excited and inspired and wants to go after things, and is always looking for ways to improve and be a better person. This is something that I like about myself, it's something that for lack of a better word, I'm proud of. I like that I'm a dreamer. The not so glamorous side of a dreamer is the disappointment, the loss of "steam," and the motivation to keep going, even when the "dream" isn't going as expected, or it's lost it's new luster.
I felt that with college, I felt that with the 30 for 30, I feel that with work sometimes, and I feel that with my 5k commitment. What I do know, is that I finish. I'm proud that I finish. I'm glad that I follow through. I'm glad that I have shown that I am committed, no matter how I feel, and even when I want to give up--I don't. I'm not sure if "finishing strong" is important to me. I mean, I want to finish strong, but if I finish tired, or depleted, or with less enthusiasm, it doesn't diminish all of the hard work and enthusiasm and energy that went into the rest of it.
It's funny how words can have such impact on people. I'm tired of people making me feel bad for not being 100% all of the time. I'm tired of LETTING myself feel bad for not being 100% all of the time. I am human, and I have weaknesses, but I am also strong, and full of life. And I am proud of who I am--weaknesses and all :)
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Day 2: Committed vs. Interested
"When you're truly committed to achieving our goals, you have an entirely different outlook. Unlike being interested, where it doesn't take much to detract you from your goals, being committed means you stick with it, no matter what." 100DOWL
Today the book talked about the difference between being interested vs committed in this journey. If you're just interested, any little thing will throw you off. I admit that as I've restarted this thing, I'm been easily distracted by snacks, chips, cookies, and donuts brought into work. Of course I say "whyyyy did you bring these?" but then commence to snacking on them--way more than I should. This time last year--when I was truly committed to losing weight, I either wouldn't have touched them, or I would have had a small serving--then tracked it.
I was reading one of my favorite blogs the other day and she had a quote that said "Goals that are not written down are just wishes." I feel like one of the biggest differences between me last year and this year was the fact that I was desperate to prove that I could lose weight, but also that I had really specific goals and I stuck with them. I've now proven that I can lose weight, and the pressure is off now that I'm in a size that I'm pretty comfortable in. I'm back in the interested phase, and I really want to move into the commitment phase, but I'm not sure how to get there. And the biggest thing that's hurting me right now is my eating habits--eating junk food at work and not tracking my intake. So, hm. One of my goals will be that I track my calories at least 4 days a week. Hopefully getting into that small habit will keep my on track and remind me that that 300 calorie donut is NOT worth it.
Whenever I read Matthew I marvel at how much Jesus calls us beyond normal response and behavior. He says things like "anger is like murder, looking at a woman with lust is like adultery in your heart, turn the other cheek, and love your enemies." He calls us to a sort of righteousness that is seemingly impossible. It's interesting, because he asks us not to respond like everyone else would respond, but to take it to a higher level. I admit that I struggle with lust, anger, revenge, and dislike for people who aren't like me just like everyone else. This call to have a better response is pretty radical, and it makes me aware of just how good God is--because he wants us to love and respond in the way that he does. He wants us to respond with the unexpected, to show what his love is like--full of grace, compassion, mercy, forgiveness. Is this not why it says at the end "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." This is his character coming out, and it's good.
Today the book talked about the difference between being interested vs committed in this journey. If you're just interested, any little thing will throw you off. I admit that as I've restarted this thing, I'm been easily distracted by snacks, chips, cookies, and donuts brought into work. Of course I say "whyyyy did you bring these?" but then commence to snacking on them--way more than I should. This time last year--when I was truly committed to losing weight, I either wouldn't have touched them, or I would have had a small serving--then tracked it.
I was reading one of my favorite blogs the other day and she had a quote that said "Goals that are not written down are just wishes." I feel like one of the biggest differences between me last year and this year was the fact that I was desperate to prove that I could lose weight, but also that I had really specific goals and I stuck with them. I've now proven that I can lose weight, and the pressure is off now that I'm in a size that I'm pretty comfortable in. I'm back in the interested phase, and I really want to move into the commitment phase, but I'm not sure how to get there. And the biggest thing that's hurting me right now is my eating habits--eating junk food at work and not tracking my intake. So, hm. One of my goals will be that I track my calories at least 4 days a week. Hopefully getting into that small habit will keep my on track and remind me that that 300 calorie donut is NOT worth it.
Whenever I read Matthew I marvel at how much Jesus calls us beyond normal response and behavior. He says things like "anger is like murder, looking at a woman with lust is like adultery in your heart, turn the other cheek, and love your enemies." He calls us to a sort of righteousness that is seemingly impossible. It's interesting, because he asks us not to respond like everyone else would respond, but to take it to a higher level. I admit that I struggle with lust, anger, revenge, and dislike for people who aren't like me just like everyone else. This call to have a better response is pretty radical, and it makes me aware of just how good God is--because he wants us to love and respond in the way that he does. He wants us to respond with the unexpected, to show what his love is like--full of grace, compassion, mercy, forgiveness. Is this not why it says at the end "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." This is his character coming out, and it's good.
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