Grown Up

It just hit me as I was walking into my living room and sitting down, that I actually feel like a grown up. I feel like my life is under control, that I'm making positive choices and steps in my life, and that I have a great base of friends and family. I think that it's a realization that's been coming on as I've contemplated moving to Hawaii. I am doing a great job on my own. And it feels good. I feel like I'm more grateful, more aware, more active. I love my life, and I love the people in it. It's a very interesting feeling, but I think I like it :)

End Of Summer Slump

There's always a point in my happy go lucky life when I decide to focus on everything I DON'T have. This results in me sulking and contemplating how I can change everything and basically wasting time being bummed out. I'm struggling with the whole 10k training, which is bumming me out. I'm missing my bff who's unavailable because of health reasons, and I feel loathe to make an effort to do or see anyone. Then I feel guilty about it :)

I can't change everything with a snap of my fingers. What I can do is focus on what I do have. I have friends who love me and want to hang out with me. I need to call them, and make an effort instead of declining invitations and being antisocial. I have people who want to be friends who repeatedly contact me to hang out. I need to return those calls and let some new people in my life. I have food in my fridge. I need to cook it (which I did make collard greens and fajitas today). I have cleaning that needs to get done (dishes...check!). I have a bike, I can definitely take it out for a nice ride. I have greenlake right next to me and people who want to run with me.I have community groups and game groups that I am a part of--I need to go, and I need to make an effort.

I want and NEED to get out of this summer slump. I think fasting is going to be a really good idea for the upcoming weeks :)

Finishing Strong

On my last day of my 30 for 30, I was talking with a friend about being so tired of the project, and just throwing an outfit together and not really caring what it was, just that I was finished. He said something to the effect of "way to finish weak" or maybe he sarcastically said "way to finish strong," I'm not sure, but basically he was commenting on my lack of enthusiasm for my commitment near the end, and how I didn't want to really put any real thought or effort into it. That comment really stayed with me, and it's something I think about often.

I'm definitely the kind of person who gets an idea, or a vision, or a goal, and goes for it with everything that I have. I'm the kind of person who gets excited and inspired and wants to go after things, and is always looking for ways to improve and be a better person. This is something that I like about myself, it's something that for lack of a better word, I'm proud of. I like that I'm a dreamer. The not so glamorous side of a dreamer is the disappointment, the loss of "steam," and the motivation to keep going, even when the "dream" isn't going as expected, or it's lost it's new luster.

I felt that with college, I felt that with the 30 for 30, I feel that with work sometimes, and I feel that with my 5k commitment. What I do know, is that I finish. I'm proud that I finish. I'm glad that I follow through. I'm glad that I have shown that I am committed, no matter how I feel, and even when I want to give up--I don't. I'm not sure if "finishing strong" is important to me. I mean, I want to finish strong, but if I finish tired, or depleted, or with less enthusiasm, it doesn't diminish all of the hard work and enthusiasm and energy that went into the rest of it.

It's funny how words can have such impact on people. I'm tired of people making me feel bad for not being 100% all of the time. I'm tired of LETTING myself feel bad for not being 100% all of the time. I am human, and I have weaknesses, but I am also strong, and full of life. And I am proud of who I am--weaknesses and all :)

Case Of The Mondays

Oh man I need to do something about this whole waking up after 6 hours of sleep and then reading and trying to nap for the next 2 hours. It's killing me when I'm trying to actually wake up. Plus that dang snooze button-- "5 more minutes" turns into 30. Well, it's Tuesday. That three day weekend was entirely too short, but this week is pretty much going to whizz by with our event this Friday.

It's been hard for me to be motivated at work lately. We just did this "culture" survey about how we feel about the organization, and after filling it out, it made me really wonder whether I want to stay where I'm at. Don't get me wrong--I love the Club where I'm working. I love the people, I love the kids (most of the time), and I love the atmosphere that has been built up over the past five years of working there. I don't trust the organization as a whole, and when filling out that survey and writing in some of my answers, I realized how discontent I am. I keep hearing "things are changing," and I believe it; I just wonder how I'm going to put my trust in an organization that mismanaged and didn't hold people accountable, and then let it's employees suffer for it. I don't know, maybe that's an oversimplification, but it's the way I feel. It's hard for me to even want to go to work some days. But maybe it's just this crazy weather we're having. It's almost June. When is the sun coming out?!?

On a lighter note, I had a mini getaway to Portland two weekends ago, did a little remodel of my bedroom and now--you can see floor woohoo, and tackled the backyard to prepare for summer bbqing...and a whole lot more. I unfortunately am still not done completely dominating my apartment into a clean, organized, beautiful living space, but it'll get there soon! And Portland. Portland was so empty! We were there and the downtown area(s) were totally devoid of people. Nobody really walking around on the street (except homeless and they were nice), but other than that it just seemed so barren. We found people at the Saturday Market, and then encountered a small bustle of people near Powells, and oh my goodness had a great breakfast at By The Way Cafe, but other than that, I wasn't really digging it. Maybe I need to go with a local next time? Who knows.

Last thing on the whole catch up list--I'm going to start doing my 100 Days of Weight Loss blogging over at my other page Dynamic Leap It's where I started this whole weight loss adventure, and I don't want this blog to turn into a weight loss journal. So, if you're digging that type of stuff, you will find it there.

Welp, I'm off to get ready for work. Weekend come quickly!

100 Days

It's hard for me to commit. I'm just one of those people who always has to have other options, or the ability to choose something different. I think a better way to describe my fear of commitment, is to say it's an inability to make a decision or feel satisfied because WHAT IF I find something better. Also, what are the lifelong ramifications of my decision? I can seriously remember all of the fear and conflicting feelings once I finally got a dog that I had 'planned' for for 6 months. I was terrified. I had this life, this other being that I had to care about. Commitment is the beginning of the end of selfishness and just thinking of myself. And that, ultimately, is why I think commitment is hard for me.

The end of selfishness. I live my life for me. I love my friends, and family, and cat. But ultimately, all my decisions are for me--my desires, my health, my happiness, my image. Now, a large part of my happiness and contentment comes from my relationship with others. I'm not so fully engrossed in myself that I don't recognize and appreciate that and put aside some of my selfish desires for the good of others. But I'm mostly selfish. I have to be honest.

I got a big smack in the face yesterday when I realized that I've been selfish and consumed with money recently. It was so subtle and had just enough elements of generosity and good deeds that I didn't even realize it. I thought I was doing well. Well, if I'm honest, I knew I was dissatisfied, but I didn't realize it was because I was obsessed with money--I thought it was because I didn't have enough. ha, ha, ha. So here I am, working through this issue.

My goal by the end of this week is to take my wonderful budget, tweak it a bit, and actually follow it. I don't know if ya'll know, but I have a kick-ass budget. I just never follow it exactly how it's written. Annnnd, I think I should cut down on my personal spending line. Sure I pay down my credit cards, bills that I can't avoid, rent, and student loans, and allow 6% of my income to go to worthy causes, but after that it's pretty much a big muddled mess. Savings? Yes...it goes auto into my account...until I need it because I've overspent on clothes. That other 4% that I want to give? Yea...that also gets thrown in the pot. So that's goal number one. Re-evaluate my budget, and commit to that budget.

My second commitment--I want to read my 100 Days of Weight Loss book & either a scripture or spiritually edifying article/book/whatever. I think I got through 70 days on my last jag with the book, and it really helped me stay focused on my healthy lifestyle goals, and it also helped me identify and work through food issues. What better thing to pair it with than spiritual health. Right? Right.

I was going to pair this with "working out 5 days a week" or some other such goal around that. But, I feel like getting my head and heart in line will get the rest of me in line. I still am training for a 10k. I'm still trying to eat healthy. Those go right along with these other commitments. So, August 23rd is 100 days from now. I was able to commit to 30 days of wearing the same clothes--more if you count the days I pretty much dressed in the same thing as the day before and was lazy around the house or town. I can commit to 100 days of spiritual, mental, and physical health.

Here's to a turn around in my thinking and overall living. Here's to me living a life of commitment. I'm going to seriously need help on this ;)

A Couple Of Things

Today is my last 30 for 30 day! Yay! I'm running a little behind so the picture below is my 29th outfit, but you'll see the last one in a later post. I'm so excited that I can finally have access to the rest of my wardrobe :) The pressure of taking pictures and making cute outfits is finally off of me and now I can just dress for me. That's another thing that I learned from this--I like the positive attention I got from this, but I felt SO MUCH PRESSURE when picking outfits, and I didn't like that. I like to dress for me, and when I was doing this, I felt like I was dressing for everyone else, trying to impress, trying to show my skills and not be boring. It would at times take me 45 minutes to choose an outfit. That's not cool. Sometimes, I have days when I just want to be boring, and that's ok. Sometimes, I dress super cute, and that's great. Mostly, I am thankful that I took this challenge, and am excited to take the things that I've learned and move forward.

day 29: black shirt-Ross, purple cardigan & jeans-ON, boots-target, necklace-forever 21

Another thing on my mind--why can't girls and guys be friends without people making a big deal out of it? I recommended this guy I knew for a job, and at a lunch a week or so later, I was asked by 3 people if he liked me, we were dating, or if I liked him. I was shocked, because he's just a friend--and I don't even know him that well as we've only hung out 2 or 3 times at the most. Great guy, fun, nice--all reasons I recommended him for the job--but it doesn't mean I'm in love with the guy. Now, I feel like I have to re-examine every little thing I do. I invited him to check out a restaurant--afterwards I second guessed myself because I wondered if he thought I was asking him a date. Or I invited him to check out a MF show--is he going to read into that? I'm donnnnnnnne. I just want to be friends. I just want to have fun. I just want to get to know new people. So there--I'm not going to let what other people think or assume shape how I act towards people. Because we all know that I can already be all sorts of awkward on my own....so let's just leave it at that :)

Lastly, I've been eating TERRIBLY for the past week. I feel so gross, I think I'm going to go on a fruit/veggie fast. Well, except I'm running so I know I need protein and carbs so I'm going to add a couple of pbj sandwiches in there, but other than that, I'm going to bulk up on the fruits and veggies. Hopefully that'll rebalance me and help me to feel better. Okie dokie, that's all I have in me. Gotta get ready for work :)

Orange Sherbet

I've been really into bright colors lately. If you know me, you know I like cool, subdued jewel tones, and you'll very rarely see me in a bright red, pink, orange, or any kind of citrus colors. Lately, I've been wearing bright corals, oranges, and have been contemplating some yellows. I don't know if it's because I'm yearning for summer, or am caring less about being all put together and "grown up," but I love it. I've been feeling really free lately--as if I have the whole world ahead of me. I don't know what it is, but I'm riding the train until I have to get off. Let's hope that's not anytime soon :)

Day 27: Blazer, jean skirt-ON, Grey shirt-Savers, Ring, nail polish, necklace-Forever 21, Tights & Boots-Target, Belt-Ross

I'm Not Crying, I Just Have Something In My Eye...

I remember when I was a kid, I made fun of my mom crying during the movie "Braveheart." Now I have to say that I was only 10 or so years old--far enough away from puberty that I'd never think of shedding a tear over some silly little movie. The memory is pretty fuzzy--I know we were all sitting down in my aunt's family room in Oregon, and I saw my mom wiping away tears with her eyes all red and I pointed at her and was like 'why are you crying over a movie- that's so silly' (or something along those lines). Almost immediately my aunt got on me, and I don't really remember what she said, but I do remember that she was really mad, and I felt pretty ashamed of making fun of my mother (but still in disbelief over the fact that she was crying over  movie for goodness sakes).  Well, as I sit here today, weepy over a DVD watched on a Thursday evening, I believe I am feeling the karmic justice of that moment in my adult life. Not just because I cried this time, but because I've found myself crying or holding back tears at every movie, event, or really emotional moment--happy or sad ever since I reached the age of 17 (or thereabouts :) )

The movie I was watching today? Rudy. The true sports story about an underdog kid who fought his way to achieving his dream.  I couldn't help but tear up. When the players all laid their jerseys down saying they wanted Rudy to take their spot, I got all misty eyed over the fact that they recognized his hard work and were willing to give up their own fame and glory for him. And then the finale just pushed me over edge. First everyone started chanting his name, then his parents and friends REALIZED what they were chanting and were ecstatic. That just got the tears rolling, and when he got on the field, I was already gone. The funny part about it is that I've seen this movie before and it STILL gets me. And I know that movies like this are made for suckers like me, with the swelling music and the moments of triumph, but my sensitive little heart doesn't care. It takes in every moment, waiting to burst with all of the emotions the actors are portraying on the screen.

Oh man, and kid performances--those always do it to me. A year or so ago we were watching my boss' daughter perform her Irish step dancing, and I had to talk myself out of bawling like a baby because they were so talented and awesome. Same with the Nutcracker--I was trying to hide the tears and the swell of pride in my chest over the performances of kids I didn't even know!

I don't know if it's working with kids, hormones, or just being a grown up/woman that makes me susceptible to crying at shows like 'The Biggest Loser,' or when I see kids perform. Maybe it's the talent. Maybe it's seeing people overcome obstacles. Maybe it's justice and mercy and self sacrifice. Or maybe it's all of the above. Whatever it is, I've realized that it's something that I have to embrace. I can't really control it, so I have to accept it right? Right. So if you see me with the end of my sleeve pulled over my hand, trying to secretly wipe away renegade tears at some random event, please don't be worried--I'm just my mother's daughter, being swept away in the wonderful emotions of the moment and taking it all in. :)