Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Grown Up
It just hit me as I was walking into my living room and sitting down, that I actually feel like a grown up. I feel like my life is under control, that I'm making positive choices and steps in my life, and that I have a great base of friends and family. I think that it's a realization that's been coming on as I've contemplated moving to Hawaii. I am doing a great job on my own. And it feels good. I feel like I'm more grateful, more aware, more active. I love my life, and I love the people in it. It's a very interesting feeling, but I think I like it :)
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Nothing Feels Better Than Doing It
And not that kind of doing it ;) Haha just kidding. I've been dreading my weigh in, dreading what it would be like to start running again and ultimately dreading starting this process again. I was so ashamed of where I had let myself get...back into the 220s, not running at all, eating terribly. I was really ashamed of the fact that I pretty much gained all of that weight in the last 2.5 months of 2011. I had all of these plans, all of these desires, all of these goals...and somehow they just fell to the wayside and instead of losing 15 lbs, I GAINED 15 lbs. Shame spiral 101.
And then I weighed myself. I did it, and came face to face with a number I NEVER thought I'd see again. Back in 2010, I waved goodbye to the 220s, 210s, and said peace out. Well, 226 hello. But I did it, and something in me said, "this is not me. this is not right. I'm better than this." I don't WANT to be better than this, I AM better than this.
So I planned out my meals. I went grocery shopping. I researched "flexitarianism" (basically a plant based diet with occasional meat) and knew it was for me. I did my yoga last night, and I went to bed so that I could get 7 hours of sleep and wake up early in the morning...to run.
I was dreading this run. This was the girl who ran a 5k every month for a year then a 10k this past September. Dreading running. This is not who I am. I ate an apple, drank a bit of water, did my morning reading, and felt like I was going to throw up. I was literally gagging a bit over the toilet (sorry for the TMI), I think it was nerves, but also eating just an apple. Whatevs. Then I got out there.
I went to the track...where it all started in summer of 2010. Where I couldn't even run 1 lap. Where I did pretty much all of my C25k training. And I started to run. I told myself I would at least do 1 mile, but would do 2 miles if it went well. Well, let me tell you, it was so good. It was like...I don't know the reuniting of peanut butter and jelly. Me and running just GO together. Seriously. It was so perfect. There was a light, off and on drizzle, I had the whole track to myself basically, and I ran. I ran at a good pace, and I KILLED that two miles, and felt like I could have done a whole 5k no problem.
I didn't, because I want to get back into the groove without hurting myself, but I did intervals on the way home and ran the last half mile home. It was amazing. All that anxiety, dread, and complacency all dashed by one thing--taking action and just DOING it. My running goal this year of doing a 15k this year without stopping? I'm doing it. My goal of eating healthy, whole, CONSCIOUS food? I'm doing it. My goal of losing 60 lbs? I'm doing it. Nothing, nothing, feels better than doing it.
And then I weighed myself. I did it, and came face to face with a number I NEVER thought I'd see again. Back in 2010, I waved goodbye to the 220s, 210s, and said peace out. Well, 226 hello. But I did it, and something in me said, "this is not me. this is not right. I'm better than this." I don't WANT to be better than this, I AM better than this.
So I planned out my meals. I went grocery shopping. I researched "flexitarianism" (basically a plant based diet with occasional meat) and knew it was for me. I did my yoga last night, and I went to bed so that I could get 7 hours of sleep and wake up early in the morning...to run.
I was dreading this run. This was the girl who ran a 5k every month for a year then a 10k this past September. Dreading running. This is not who I am. I ate an apple, drank a bit of water, did my morning reading, and felt like I was going to throw up. I was literally gagging a bit over the toilet (sorry for the TMI), I think it was nerves, but also eating just an apple. Whatevs. Then I got out there.
I went to the track...where it all started in summer of 2010. Where I couldn't even run 1 lap. Where I did pretty much all of my C25k training. And I started to run. I told myself I would at least do 1 mile, but would do 2 miles if it went well. Well, let me tell you, it was so good. It was like...I don't know the reuniting of peanut butter and jelly. Me and running just GO together. Seriously. It was so perfect. There was a light, off and on drizzle, I had the whole track to myself basically, and I ran. I ran at a good pace, and I KILLED that two miles, and felt like I could have done a whole 5k no problem.
I didn't, because I want to get back into the groove without hurting myself, but I did intervals on the way home and ran the last half mile home. It was amazing. All that anxiety, dread, and complacency all dashed by one thing--taking action and just DOING it. My running goal this year of doing a 15k this year without stopping? I'm doing it. My goal of eating healthy, whole, CONSCIOUS food? I'm doing it. My goal of losing 60 lbs? I'm doing it. Nothing, nothing, feels better than doing it.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Inspiration & Motivation
"It's all about self-motivation because at the end of the day, you can have all the trainers and all the money in the world, but if you don't have that mindset, it's not possible." Jennifer Hudson
Jennifer Hudson has always been gorgeous to me. Curvy, beautiful, and talented. I always said I'd rather look like Jennifer Hudson rather than Jennifer Aniston. Now here she is, with 80 lbs lost and she went from, as Tim Gunn said "stunning to staggering." She is beautiful at any size, and I love how she said she's always been comfortable with her body, but acknowledges the changes and differences that come with her slimmed down look.
Watching her on the Oprah show (I know I'm behind) really inspired me. She's totally right about the self-motivation. Only I can set a goal and stick to it, and really know what I want. It's a mindset thing, and if I want it, really want it, I can get it.
I want, to be a size 8. Seriously. Just once in my life as an adult I want to be a one digit size. I want to be scared and say size 10, but I'm going to go for it. I've accomplished SO MUCH. I can do this. Whatever comes first, 50 lbs or size 8. I'm going for it.
I want, to run a half marathon. I want to be a runner and my ultimate goal is a half marathon.
I want, to run 15 miles a week by the end of the year. That's really only a 5k every day. But I'd ideally like to run only 3-4 days a week.
I want, to hold a plank for 2 minutes by the end of March. Seriously ya'll, I'm getting my upper body TONED.
I want, to eat healthy, whole, yummy foods, and to be open to appreciating foods I don't normally like.
I want, to learn how to sew my own clothes. And when I get smaller, I'll need less fabric :)
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd. Seriously. I do.
"It's our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Albus Dumbledore
Watching her on the Oprah show (I know I'm behind) really inspired me. She's totally right about the self-motivation. Only I can set a goal and stick to it, and really know what I want. It's a mindset thing, and if I want it, really want it, I can get it.
I want, to be a size 8. Seriously. Just once in my life as an adult I want to be a one digit size. I want to be scared and say size 10, but I'm going to go for it. I've accomplished SO MUCH. I can do this. Whatever comes first, 50 lbs or size 8. I'm going for it.
I want, to run a half marathon. I want to be a runner and my ultimate goal is a half marathon.
I want, to run 15 miles a week by the end of the year. That's really only a 5k every day. But I'd ideally like to run only 3-4 days a week.
I want, to hold a plank for 2 minutes by the end of March. Seriously ya'll, I'm getting my upper body TONED.
I want, to eat healthy, whole, yummy foods, and to be open to appreciating foods I don't normally like.
I want, to learn how to sew my own clothes. And when I get smaller, I'll need less fabric :)
I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd. Seriously. I do.
"It's our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Albus Dumbledore
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Bad Dreams
I've had bad dreams for the past two days! Boo. Usually when I have a bad dream, I get out of bed, go into the living room and turn on the TV with my blankets, and let the characters and stories on the screen lull me back to sleep. There's something comforting about other people--even if they're just on TV.
Today, my dream involved a lot of fears that I have, and unlike those other dreams, it's hard for me to let it melt into nothingness-all I can do is think about it. Several fears surfaced--my fear of elevators and heights. We were in a swanky hotel and the elevators were acting funny, opening between floors, stopping when they weren't supposed to, etc. Being stuck in a malfunctioning elevator terrifies me. I have images of me plummeting to my death in an elevator or elevator shaft--pretty gruesome I know.
Anyway, we escaped out of the elevator onto the roof of the 99plus story bldg (I know this cause we were trying to get down but the 'normal' stairs only went up to floor 99 and we were higher than that...wtf?!?). The top of the bldg was moving. Swaying like crazy in the wind, and I was like "how the hell are we getting down." My brother suggested going down the stairs on the SIDE of the bldg and I quickly squashed that idea. My mum said that stairs inside we would have to "drop into" and I was like "what??" so somehow, in my dream I decided to get on the elevator and go down...even though they were on code black and weren't supposed to be working...I made it to the bottom (yay dreams).
But then, I was separated from my family. I didn't know if they were ok, and I didn't have my phone on my. Now my dream got weird with this whole storyline about someone stealing my phone, and names of people from VA in it and all that stuff but it connected up when I ended up in a Starbucks like restaurant, and these girls from my childhood were sitting at a table in the busy place having a party. The recognized me and were like "Hey" and were all friendly and chittchatty, but none of them really LOOKED at me. If you know what I mean. None of them were really, truly, happy to see me. They were all fake, and I obviously was not going to be in the inner circle. Then Bridgett (a wonderful friend from college) was suddenly there in line with a blonde wig on, and she helped me out with her phone (so I could call my fam), and directing me to a table with people that I knew. And it was amazing because I had this huge wad of gum stuck in my mouth that I was trying to pull out, and one of the girls was laughing with me and trying to help me pull it out.
And then the dream was done. I broke away and woke up, and I have been thinking about that dream ever since. When I lived in Virginia, there was always this sense of not belonging. I wasn't black or white, so I didn't fit. I had some good friends, great friends in fact, but I knew that in the overall scheme of things, I didn't fit. That I wouldn't be accepted by the majority. And there are so many factors that go into that, that I don't want to unpack here. But that knowledge was there.
So here I am 13 years after I left that place, and I'm realizing that I'm still living as if I'll never be accepted. I'm still living, afraid that people are never going to truly acknowledge me, or accept me for who I am. Even though I know that I'm a great person, and have a great circle of friends. I have this general distrust of the population, of the majority, and I've let that affect my interaction with that perceived majority.
"There is no fear in love." B-I-B-L-E
"Only when we are no longer afraid, do we begin to live." Dorothy Thompson
"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we might often win, by fearing to attempt." Jane Adams
My past is something that I want to learn from. I don't want it to define me, and I don't want to carry the burdens from my past. I want to be better, stronger, happier, more confident because of my past. I don't want to let it cause me to draw back in fear, uncertainty, or doubt about who I am. I am good enough. I am a whole, complete, wonderful, beautiful, incredible person. I'm not second rate, and I fit exactly where I need to. These bad dreams are going to go away.
Today, my dream involved a lot of fears that I have, and unlike those other dreams, it's hard for me to let it melt into nothingness-all I can do is think about it. Several fears surfaced--my fear of elevators and heights. We were in a swanky hotel and the elevators were acting funny, opening between floors, stopping when they weren't supposed to, etc. Being stuck in a malfunctioning elevator terrifies me. I have images of me plummeting to my death in an elevator or elevator shaft--pretty gruesome I know.
Anyway, we escaped out of the elevator onto the roof of the 99plus story bldg (I know this cause we were trying to get down but the 'normal' stairs only went up to floor 99 and we were higher than that...wtf?!?). The top of the bldg was moving. Swaying like crazy in the wind, and I was like "how the hell are we getting down." My brother suggested going down the stairs on the SIDE of the bldg and I quickly squashed that idea. My mum said that stairs inside we would have to "drop into" and I was like "what??" so somehow, in my dream I decided to get on the elevator and go down...even though they were on code black and weren't supposed to be working...I made it to the bottom (yay dreams).
But then, I was separated from my family. I didn't know if they were ok, and I didn't have my phone on my. Now my dream got weird with this whole storyline about someone stealing my phone, and names of people from VA in it and all that stuff but it connected up when I ended up in a Starbucks like restaurant, and these girls from my childhood were sitting at a table in the busy place having a party. The recognized me and were like "Hey" and were all friendly and chittchatty, but none of them really LOOKED at me. If you know what I mean. None of them were really, truly, happy to see me. They were all fake, and I obviously was not going to be in the inner circle. Then Bridgett (a wonderful friend from college) was suddenly there in line with a blonde wig on, and she helped me out with her phone (so I could call my fam), and directing me to a table with people that I knew. And it was amazing because I had this huge wad of gum stuck in my mouth that I was trying to pull out, and one of the girls was laughing with me and trying to help me pull it out.
And then the dream was done. I broke away and woke up, and I have been thinking about that dream ever since. When I lived in Virginia, there was always this sense of not belonging. I wasn't black or white, so I didn't fit. I had some good friends, great friends in fact, but I knew that in the overall scheme of things, I didn't fit. That I wouldn't be accepted by the majority. And there are so many factors that go into that, that I don't want to unpack here. But that knowledge was there.
So here I am 13 years after I left that place, and I'm realizing that I'm still living as if I'll never be accepted. I'm still living, afraid that people are never going to truly acknowledge me, or accept me for who I am. Even though I know that I'm a great person, and have a great circle of friends. I have this general distrust of the population, of the majority, and I've let that affect my interaction with that perceived majority.
"There is no fear in love." B-I-B-L-E
"Only when we are no longer afraid, do we begin to live." Dorothy Thompson
"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we might often win, by fearing to attempt." Jane Adams
My past is something that I want to learn from. I don't want it to define me, and I don't want to carry the burdens from my past. I want to be better, stronger, happier, more confident because of my past. I don't want to let it cause me to draw back in fear, uncertainty, or doubt about who I am. I am good enough. I am a whole, complete, wonderful, beautiful, incredible person. I'm not second rate, and I fit exactly where I need to. These bad dreams are going to go away.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
A Fresh Start
I'm excited for the new school year. I love the fact that I still have that little marker to look forward to. When I was younger, it was all about meeting new classmates, and buying new clothes, and getting all of my fresh new school supplies. Now that I'm older, it's about planning fun activities for my afterschool program, prepping programs like SMART Girls, mentoring kids and volunteers, and really getting our overall program into tiptop shape.
It's also about getting myself into tiptop shape. This past year has been like a flat line for me. I've started, and stopped, had great intentions, and didn't follow through. It's as if I'd forgotten all that I had learned before with the whole lifestyle change thing. And while I know I can never forget, I do know that I started to ignore the things that I knew and the things that I learned. What's worse than never knowing what's good for you is knowing and consciously choosing something different.
I'm realizing once again that I choose what my life is. I choose whether I'm active, and I choose whether I'm engaged. I choose whether I run everyday, and I choose what I spend my money on. So, I have some goals for the new school year. I actually specifically have goals for the next 6 months. These next six months are going to figure significantly in where I go and what I do next, and what I want to do in these next six months, is live my life to the fullest.
Health:
1) I want to eat less meat. I want my meals to consist mostly of whole grains, fruits and veggies, and a little meat. I do love meat, but I'm finding that I CAN live without it. I don't want to live completely without it, but I do want to cut back. Another part of this goal--I want to eat organic/local/happy meat. I want to be more conscious about what I'm putting into my body, and how it's treated before it becomes a big steak.
2) I want to lose about 40 lbs, or 1.5 lbs a week. I would love to be a solid size 12 or 10.
3) I want to be able to run a 10k without stopping, preferably in less that 1 hr and 10 mins. I know this 10k coming up on Sunday is not going to be my best. But I do know that I want to progress in such a way that I'm running 10ks, then 15ks, then a half marathon by next year.
4)I want to finish that dang 100 days of Weight Loss book. Seriously, I know it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I want to do it. I want to finish it, and say I completely it.
5)I want to eat a great breakfast, and healthy lunch and dinner. I want to have snacks during the day that make sense.
6) I want to go to the gym at least 3 days out of the week, and I want to exercise 5 days out of the week.
Work:
1)I want to get our 2-5th grade program up and running smoothly.
2)I want to continue with the foundation that I laid for K-1, and make it even better.
3)I want to run a really successful, fun SMART Girls program this year.
4)I want my staff to feel fulfilled and happy with their jobs.
5)I want to get our volunteer program up and running efficiently.
6)I want the kids to enjoy a really quality program.
Spiritual Life:
1)I want to continue to discover how my relationship with God is going to thrive. I want to be open to new things, I want to be open to what he wants, and I want to grow and be closer to him.
2)I want to meet new people from church and begin to develop solid relationships.
3)I want to be committed to Tabitha, and I want to volunteer 2 times a month.
4)I want to be more patient, kind, generous, and self disciplined... :-/ This is going to take a lot :)
5)I want to stick to my budget, and continue to remember that what I have was given to me.
Random:
1)I want to keep my apartment clean--and not just for a couple of days!
2)I want to get rid of the clutter and random stuff I have lying around.
3)I want to be regularly involved with a board games and/or poker group :)
Six months...is not a very long time. This year has gone by so quickly, and I want to make the most of what I have left. These are my plans, these are my goals, and hopefully they're in line with what God wants for my life. I'm just going to live, and try to be in tune to where I'm supposed to go next. God is good, he is faithful, and he is good.
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4
It's also about getting myself into tiptop shape. This past year has been like a flat line for me. I've started, and stopped, had great intentions, and didn't follow through. It's as if I'd forgotten all that I had learned before with the whole lifestyle change thing. And while I know I can never forget, I do know that I started to ignore the things that I knew and the things that I learned. What's worse than never knowing what's good for you is knowing and consciously choosing something different.
I'm realizing once again that I choose what my life is. I choose whether I'm active, and I choose whether I'm engaged. I choose whether I run everyday, and I choose what I spend my money on. So, I have some goals for the new school year. I actually specifically have goals for the next 6 months. These next six months are going to figure significantly in where I go and what I do next, and what I want to do in these next six months, is live my life to the fullest.
Health:
1) I want to eat less meat. I want my meals to consist mostly of whole grains, fruits and veggies, and a little meat. I do love meat, but I'm finding that I CAN live without it. I don't want to live completely without it, but I do want to cut back. Another part of this goal--I want to eat organic/local/happy meat. I want to be more conscious about what I'm putting into my body, and how it's treated before it becomes a big steak.
2) I want to lose about 40 lbs, or 1.5 lbs a week. I would love to be a solid size 12 or 10.
3) I want to be able to run a 10k without stopping, preferably in less that 1 hr and 10 mins. I know this 10k coming up on Sunday is not going to be my best. But I do know that I want to progress in such a way that I'm running 10ks, then 15ks, then a half marathon by next year.
4)I want to finish that dang 100 days of Weight Loss book. Seriously, I know it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I want to do it. I want to finish it, and say I completely it.
5)I want to eat a great breakfast, and healthy lunch and dinner. I want to have snacks during the day that make sense.
6) I want to go to the gym at least 3 days out of the week, and I want to exercise 5 days out of the week.
Work:
1)I want to get our 2-5th grade program up and running smoothly.
2)I want to continue with the foundation that I laid for K-1, and make it even better.
3)I want to run a really successful, fun SMART Girls program this year.
4)I want my staff to feel fulfilled and happy with their jobs.
5)I want to get our volunteer program up and running efficiently.
6)I want the kids to enjoy a really quality program.
Spiritual Life:
1)I want to continue to discover how my relationship with God is going to thrive. I want to be open to new things, I want to be open to what he wants, and I want to grow and be closer to him.
2)I want to meet new people from church and begin to develop solid relationships.
3)I want to be committed to Tabitha, and I want to volunteer 2 times a month.
4)I want to be more patient, kind, generous, and self disciplined... :-/ This is going to take a lot :)
5)I want to stick to my budget, and continue to remember that what I have was given to me.
Random:
1)I want to keep my apartment clean--and not just for a couple of days!
2)I want to get rid of the clutter and random stuff I have lying around.
3)I want to be regularly involved with a board games and/or poker group :)
Six months...is not a very long time. This year has gone by so quickly, and I want to make the most of what I have left. These are my plans, these are my goals, and hopefully they're in line with what God wants for my life. I'm just going to live, and try to be in tune to where I'm supposed to go next. God is good, he is faithful, and he is good.
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4
Monday, August 22, 2011
Searching For God Knows What
It's days like these, dreary, rainy, cool (er) Seattle days that make me want to write. I'm pretty sure it's not the weather. Let's be honest. I'm still in that slump that I was talking about. Oh yes, I'm making an effort, and I'm happy that I have, but I'm just wondering, what do I want? I've come to a point where I have no idea where I want to go or who I want to be, or what even my purpose is in life. I'm feel like I'm at this crossroads and all I want to do is close my eyes and just point. I don't want the responsibility of choosing.
Do I want to stay in Seattle or move to Hawaii? I have built a wonderful, beautiful life here. I have wonderful friends, a job that pays with benefits, an apartment that I adore, a church that helps me to grow, and a social life that is only lacking when I want it to be. I have opportunities to do so much, and I see so many fun things on the horizon. But to be honest, I feel, stuck. I feel lonely, and I feel restless. I feel like I have all these things but that I was made for something more.
My whole life I have been dutiful. I got good grades, I graduated from high school AND college in 3 years, I landed a full time job that I've worked at for 5 mostly wonderful years, I have my own apartment, I work as a manager, I've had boyfriends, the whole nine yards. I've been responsible. I've achieved so much. I've worked hard, been loyal and diligent, and I have reaped the rewards. So why does it feel so meaningless and empty? What else could I want or desire?
Here's what I do know. I want to work with people. I want to help them, and I want to serve them, and I want them to know that they are cared for. I want to feed people. I want fill their bellies with food, and fill their hearts with confidence and love and self worth. I want to welcome people. I want to have them in my home, and I want my home to feel like their home. I want what's mine to be theirs, and I want to live openly and generously. I want to share life with others. I want to share my life, and I want others to have a happy and content life.
This post, is so mixed up, and so fuzzy. I'm struggling with so many thoughts and doubts and wishes and prayers and hopes and dreams and sometimes, many times, I just feel exhausted. I feel lonely. I feel scared. I feel hopeful. I feel full of life, and energetic. But mostly, I feel a burning desire for something bigger than I am, and more wonderful than I can dream. I don't know if it's in Seattle, Hawaii, or wherever. What I do know is that I want it, I need it, and I'm going after it. Even if it makes no sense. Even if it seems foolish. Even if it doesn't follow all of the rules. I'm going after life. A full life, a life that I can share freely and openly with others.
Do I want to stay in Seattle or move to Hawaii? I have built a wonderful, beautiful life here. I have wonderful friends, a job that pays with benefits, an apartment that I adore, a church that helps me to grow, and a social life that is only lacking when I want it to be. I have opportunities to do so much, and I see so many fun things on the horizon. But to be honest, I feel, stuck. I feel lonely, and I feel restless. I feel like I have all these things but that I was made for something more.
My whole life I have been dutiful. I got good grades, I graduated from high school AND college in 3 years, I landed a full time job that I've worked at for 5 mostly wonderful years, I have my own apartment, I work as a manager, I've had boyfriends, the whole nine yards. I've been responsible. I've achieved so much. I've worked hard, been loyal and diligent, and I have reaped the rewards. So why does it feel so meaningless and empty? What else could I want or desire?
Here's what I do know. I want to work with people. I want to help them, and I want to serve them, and I want them to know that they are cared for. I want to feed people. I want fill their bellies with food, and fill their hearts with confidence and love and self worth. I want to welcome people. I want to have them in my home, and I want my home to feel like their home. I want what's mine to be theirs, and I want to live openly and generously. I want to share life with others. I want to share my life, and I want others to have a happy and content life.
This post, is so mixed up, and so fuzzy. I'm struggling with so many thoughts and doubts and wishes and prayers and hopes and dreams and sometimes, many times, I just feel exhausted. I feel lonely. I feel scared. I feel hopeful. I feel full of life, and energetic. But mostly, I feel a burning desire for something bigger than I am, and more wonderful than I can dream. I don't know if it's in Seattle, Hawaii, or wherever. What I do know is that I want it, I need it, and I'm going after it. Even if it makes no sense. Even if it seems foolish. Even if it doesn't follow all of the rules. I'm going after life. A full life, a life that I can share freely and openly with others.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
End Of Summer Slump
There's always a point in my happy go lucky life when I decide to focus on everything I DON'T have. This results in me sulking and contemplating how I can change everything and basically wasting time being bummed out. I'm struggling with the whole 10k training, which is bumming me out. I'm missing my bff who's unavailable because of health reasons, and I feel loathe to make an effort to do or see anyone. Then I feel guilty about it :)
I can't change everything with a snap of my fingers. What I can do is focus on what I do have. I have friends who love me and want to hang out with me. I need to call them, and make an effort instead of declining invitations and being antisocial. I have people who want to be friends who repeatedly contact me to hang out. I need to return those calls and let some new people in my life. I have food in my fridge. I need to cook it (which I did make collard greens and fajitas today). I have cleaning that needs to get done (dishes...check!). I have a bike, I can definitely take it out for a nice ride. I have greenlake right next to me and people who want to run with me.I have community groups and game groups that I am a part of--I need to go, and I need to make an effort.
I want and NEED to get out of this summer slump. I think fasting is going to be a really good idea for the upcoming weeks :)
I can't change everything with a snap of my fingers. What I can do is focus on what I do have. I have friends who love me and want to hang out with me. I need to call them, and make an effort instead of declining invitations and being antisocial. I have people who want to be friends who repeatedly contact me to hang out. I need to return those calls and let some new people in my life. I have food in my fridge. I need to cook it (which I did make collard greens and fajitas today). I have cleaning that needs to get done (dishes...check!). I have a bike, I can definitely take it out for a nice ride. I have greenlake right next to me and people who want to run with me.I have community groups and game groups that I am a part of--I need to go, and I need to make an effort.
I want and NEED to get out of this summer slump. I think fasting is going to be a really good idea for the upcoming weeks :)
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Test Me In This
Malachi 3:6-10
6 “I the LORD do not change. So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed. 7 Ever since the time of your ancestors you have turned away from my decrees and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you,” says the LORD Almighty.
“But you ask, ‘How are we to return?’
8 “Will a mere mortal rob God? Yet you rob me.
“But you ask, ‘How are we robbing you?’
“In tithes and offerings.
9 You are under a curse—your whole nation—because you are robbing me. 10 Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it. 11 I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not drop their fruit before it is ripe,” says the LORD Almighty. 12 “Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be a delightful land,” says the LORD Almighty.
My parents always quote this verse when they talk about tithing. They say it's one of the only places in the Bible where God says to "test him" and see how his faithfulness unfolds. Well I decided to do that very thing, and God has already shown his faithfulness.
I was headed to the AT&T booth because I saw a bunch of people with backpacks and I thought "hmm, maybe I can get something to carry my stuff." So, I headed over there and got in line, and saw they were giving away free phones to some people who won the little game they played. It was random, and people were getting backpacks. When we first walked up someone got a phone, but everyone else was getting backpacks. So, we're waiting in line patiently, laughing and joking around, when a guy comes up and starts counting people in line. Then, the people in front of us won a phone. We cheer, and then the guys says "AND EVERYONE IN LINE WINS A PHONE!!!!" All of us got a phone, and mobile projector to go with the phone.
I just sold that phone and projector for $150. Money that I never would have had if I hadn't done that race (and stuck to my commitment), if I hadn't decided to get in line, and ultimately, I believe, if I hadn't decided to"test God" and see how he would provide. Some may call it coincidence, I call it God's faithfulness and provision. God is good.
**I have to say that I just realized that the money I'm getting from ebay is exactly equal to the tithe that I'm paying this week. It blows my mind!
6 “I the LORD do not change. So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed. 7 Ever since the time of your ancestors you have turned away from my decrees and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you,” says the LORD Almighty.
“But you ask, ‘How are we to return?’
8 “Will a mere mortal rob God? Yet you rob me.
“But you ask, ‘How are we robbing you?’
“In tithes and offerings.
9 You are under a curse—your whole nation—because you are robbing me. 10 Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it. 11 I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not drop their fruit before it is ripe,” says the LORD Almighty. 12 “Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be a delightful land,” says the LORD Almighty.
My parents always quote this verse when they talk about tithing. They say it's one of the only places in the Bible where God says to "test him" and see how his faithfulness unfolds. Well I decided to do that very thing, and God has already shown his faithfulness.
I was headed to the AT&T booth because I saw a bunch of people with backpacks and I thought "hmm, maybe I can get something to carry my stuff." So, I headed over there and got in line, and saw they were giving away free phones to some people who won the little game they played. It was random, and people were getting backpacks. When we first walked up someone got a phone, but everyone else was getting backpacks. So, we're waiting in line patiently, laughing and joking around, when a guy comes up and starts counting people in line. Then, the people in front of us won a phone. We cheer, and then the guys says "AND EVERYONE IN LINE WINS A PHONE!!!!" All of us got a phone, and mobile projector to go with the phone.
I just sold that phone and projector for $150. Money that I never would have had if I hadn't done that race (and stuck to my commitment), if I hadn't decided to get in line, and ultimately, I believe, if I hadn't decided to"test God" and see how he would provide. Some may call it coincidence, I call it God's faithfulness and provision. God is good.
**I have to say that I just realized that the money I'm getting from ebay is exactly equal to the tithe that I'm paying this week. It blows my mind!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Finishing Strong
On my last day of my 30 for 30, I was talking with a friend about being so tired of the project, and just throwing an outfit together and not really caring what it was, just that I was finished. He said something to the effect of "way to finish weak" or maybe he sarcastically said "way to finish strong," I'm not sure, but basically he was commenting on my lack of enthusiasm for my commitment near the end, and how I didn't want to really put any real thought or effort into it. That comment really stayed with me, and it's something I think about often.
I'm definitely the kind of person who gets an idea, or a vision, or a goal, and goes for it with everything that I have. I'm the kind of person who gets excited and inspired and wants to go after things, and is always looking for ways to improve and be a better person. This is something that I like about myself, it's something that for lack of a better word, I'm proud of. I like that I'm a dreamer. The not so glamorous side of a dreamer is the disappointment, the loss of "steam," and the motivation to keep going, even when the "dream" isn't going as expected, or it's lost it's new luster.
I felt that with college, I felt that with the 30 for 30, I feel that with work sometimes, and I feel that with my 5k commitment. What I do know, is that I finish. I'm proud that I finish. I'm glad that I follow through. I'm glad that I have shown that I am committed, no matter how I feel, and even when I want to give up--I don't. I'm not sure if "finishing strong" is important to me. I mean, I want to finish strong, but if I finish tired, or depleted, or with less enthusiasm, it doesn't diminish all of the hard work and enthusiasm and energy that went into the rest of it.
It's funny how words can have such impact on people. I'm tired of people making me feel bad for not being 100% all of the time. I'm tired of LETTING myself feel bad for not being 100% all of the time. I am human, and I have weaknesses, but I am also strong, and full of life. And I am proud of who I am--weaknesses and all :)
I'm definitely the kind of person who gets an idea, or a vision, or a goal, and goes for it with everything that I have. I'm the kind of person who gets excited and inspired and wants to go after things, and is always looking for ways to improve and be a better person. This is something that I like about myself, it's something that for lack of a better word, I'm proud of. I like that I'm a dreamer. The not so glamorous side of a dreamer is the disappointment, the loss of "steam," and the motivation to keep going, even when the "dream" isn't going as expected, or it's lost it's new luster.
I felt that with college, I felt that with the 30 for 30, I feel that with work sometimes, and I feel that with my 5k commitment. What I do know, is that I finish. I'm proud that I finish. I'm glad that I follow through. I'm glad that I have shown that I am committed, no matter how I feel, and even when I want to give up--I don't. I'm not sure if "finishing strong" is important to me. I mean, I want to finish strong, but if I finish tired, or depleted, or with less enthusiasm, it doesn't diminish all of the hard work and enthusiasm and energy that went into the rest of it.
It's funny how words can have such impact on people. I'm tired of people making me feel bad for not being 100% all of the time. I'm tired of LETTING myself feel bad for not being 100% all of the time. I am human, and I have weaknesses, but I am also strong, and full of life. And I am proud of who I am--weaknesses and all :)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
God Speaks
Today, was most unproductive for me. I was extremely tired at work, went out for an early dinner and dessert with a friend, came home and read for a bit, then passed out. Five and a half hours later, around 10:30pm, I wake up, finish reading the book, and here I am around 1:30 in the morning blogging. It doesn't seem like the most productive day, but I know it's going to lead to productiveness in a way that is good for me.
I was laying in bed, thinking all of the thoughts I've been thinking for the past couple of months or so--what am I to do next? What do I need? Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? When all of the sudden, I found myself praying. Thanking God because he has brought me here with everything that I could need, and mostly what I want. He has given me everything, provided for me, and still, here I am, worried in my bed about my future. Why, when he has taken care of me SO WELL so far, would I ever doubt that he has a plan, and that everything will be ok? Because I'm human, yes. Because I'm arrogant, yes. Because I have forgotten what it's like to trust, yes.
All of these things are true, but one thing is even more apparent to me, and that's that I need Jesus. In my humanness, arrogance, and mistrust, I need him. I've tried so hard to figure out how I could be close and garner the comfort that I need without actually doing what I need to do, and I've come to this point, realizing that the simple answer is this--I need to spend time with Him. I need to read my Bible. I need to sit in silence. I need to pray. And I need to be disciplined in these things.
What do you know, I decided to pop up on Richard's blog to see what he's written, and it was exactly what I needed to hear, and confirmed what I knew as I was lying in bed, praying for guidance. As Richard states, I need to 1)Turn and behold, and 2)Listen, and respond. I need to take time every day, to put away my facebook, my novel, my movie or tv show, and just spend time with God. "I need to see that I’m changed into a better person by spending time with Christ." And I am, fully and completely I am. When I've taken that time, God will show himself to me. He will teach me, and guide me, and give me the answers that I need. He will show me my shortcomings, and the love and grace he has.
"As I develop habits of beholding (through coffee with God, or walking with God, or Verse of the Day as an e-mail, or whatever), God begins to speak to us. He reminds of relationships that need repairing. He invites us to confess our failures and move off the ground of shame and fear, onto the ground of boldness and confidence. He invites us to change our financial priorities, or our time use, or he speaks to us about vocational matters, or marriage, singleness, parenting matters. God, in other words, REVEALS! It’s not as clear on some days as others, but I promise you this: keep showing up, and God will bring guidance to your life."
From there, it's just obedience. "Just" ha. I know that it can be hard to take those steps. But knowing what I know about God, and what he has for me, it's really the only step that I can take. Right? It's funny how God speaks to us, and confirms to us what he wants through other people. I'm thankful that I'm up at 2am in the morning, even though I know I may be groggy at work tomorrow. God speaks, and it took this most inconvenient time for me to hear, but I'm glad he seeks me out whenever he can. God is good.
I was laying in bed, thinking all of the thoughts I've been thinking for the past couple of months or so--what am I to do next? What do I need? Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? When all of the sudden, I found myself praying. Thanking God because he has brought me here with everything that I could need, and mostly what I want. He has given me everything, provided for me, and still, here I am, worried in my bed about my future. Why, when he has taken care of me SO WELL so far, would I ever doubt that he has a plan, and that everything will be ok? Because I'm human, yes. Because I'm arrogant, yes. Because I have forgotten what it's like to trust, yes.
All of these things are true, but one thing is even more apparent to me, and that's that I need Jesus. In my humanness, arrogance, and mistrust, I need him. I've tried so hard to figure out how I could be close and garner the comfort that I need without actually doing what I need to do, and I've come to this point, realizing that the simple answer is this--I need to spend time with Him. I need to read my Bible. I need to sit in silence. I need to pray. And I need to be disciplined in these things.
What do you know, I decided to pop up on Richard's blog to see what he's written, and it was exactly what I needed to hear, and confirmed what I knew as I was lying in bed, praying for guidance. As Richard states, I need to 1)Turn and behold, and 2)Listen, and respond. I need to take time every day, to put away my facebook, my novel, my movie or tv show, and just spend time with God. "I need to see that I’m changed into a better person by spending time with Christ." And I am, fully and completely I am. When I've taken that time, God will show himself to me. He will teach me, and guide me, and give me the answers that I need. He will show me my shortcomings, and the love and grace he has.
"As I develop habits of beholding (through coffee with God, or walking with God, or Verse of the Day as an e-mail, or whatever), God begins to speak to us. He reminds of relationships that need repairing. He invites us to confess our failures and move off the ground of shame and fear, onto the ground of boldness and confidence. He invites us to change our financial priorities, or our time use, or he speaks to us about vocational matters, or marriage, singleness, parenting matters. God, in other words, REVEALS! It’s not as clear on some days as others, but I promise you this: keep showing up, and God will bring guidance to your life."
From there, it's just obedience. "Just" ha. I know that it can be hard to take those steps. But knowing what I know about God, and what he has for me, it's really the only step that I can take. Right? It's funny how God speaks to us, and confirms to us what he wants through other people. I'm thankful that I'm up at 2am in the morning, even though I know I may be groggy at work tomorrow. God speaks, and it took this most inconvenient time for me to hear, but I'm glad he seeks me out whenever he can. God is good.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Independence Day
Today, was such a relaxing day. It was actually a very relaxing weekend. I was able to take some time, reflect, hang out with friends, and REST. Rest was really what I needed. Rest, and time to restart. I've been really contemplating on how blessed I am--I have a great family, good job, wonderful friends, my health, a more than adequate roof over my head, and much much more. I am able to go and do anything I want, and I feel so free.
I'm so thankful for all that I have, and it's days like these that remind me that I need to live life to fullest. That I need to KNOW who and what I'm created to be, and to take hold of that and be that person. I'm so excited for the future--heck I'm excited for the present and what I have before me. I feel my life coming together--and it's not like anything has changed drastically, just my outlook I guess.
Today I started my 10k training. I'm so excited. I've filled out my calendar so I know what I'm going to be doing, have my 5ks scheduled, and am super stoked for the IronGirl 10k on Sept 11th! I think that my goal for this upcoming year is to run one 10k every 3 months, and to run a half marathon next year around this time. This time last year, I had never even run a lap around a track, and now I'm planning on running a half marathon. I feel amazing. Life is good, God is good. Ok, time to go to bed. Gotta start going to be closer to 10pm so I can get a full 8 hours :-/
I'm so thankful for all that I have, and it's days like these that remind me that I need to live life to fullest. That I need to KNOW who and what I'm created to be, and to take hold of that and be that person. I'm so excited for the future--heck I'm excited for the present and what I have before me. I feel my life coming together--and it's not like anything has changed drastically, just my outlook I guess.
Today I started my 10k training. I'm so excited. I've filled out my calendar so I know what I'm going to be doing, have my 5ks scheduled, and am super stoked for the IronGirl 10k on Sept 11th! I think that my goal for this upcoming year is to run one 10k every 3 months, and to run a half marathon next year around this time. This time last year, I had never even run a lap around a track, and now I'm planning on running a half marathon. I feel amazing. Life is good, God is good. Ok, time to go to bed. Gotta start going to be closer to 10pm so I can get a full 8 hours :-/
Friday, May 13, 2011
Gaining Life
I am so happy to have the life that I have now. I'm happy because I have chosen it--and it's full, happy, and good. A couple of years ago, you would have found me full of fear, waiting for other people to accompany me before I did anything else, and not willing to try new things. I can't remember exactly the moment (although if I read back into my blogs I could probably find it), but I do remember God pulling me out of my fear, and teaching me that there is nothing to fear when I have his love surrounding and supporting me. This quote helped me as well :"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live" Dorothy Thompson
I have done so many new things with my new life, and one that has absolutely changed my life is running. This time last year, I was in the beginning of my weight loss journey. I was working out at home, doing Jillian Michaels videos and DDR, and feeling pretty damn good. I was getting bored, and with summer coming around, I knew I wanted to get outside. So what about running? I have always wanted to be a runner. Here's a blog post from April 11, 2007:
"Now, as far as health, I really want to shed some pounds. And, honestly, I want to look even better in my clothes ;) Here's a goal: to bring out my inner runner. My dad was a runner. My brother was a runner...my mum was a runner. I've had dreams of me running and feeling so amazing and free...having that dull burn in my lungs and the tingling in my legs but not wanted to stop because it felt so good...I feel like my body is craving that. My whole family (including me) is/was athletic. So, I'm going to try to bring out my inner athlete. Who's my competition? Myself. Who am I doing this for? myself. I don't feel like it's even a situation of "i want to look on the outside like I feel on the inside" Because I feel great in general. I just want to be able to love my arms. I want to not have to suck my tummy in so much...I want to be confident all over. We'll see what develops eh? Yes."
I had wanted it for so long, and finally, I decided that I was going to do it. Cue the couch to 5k training and in July I started running. Now, let me tell you, I had NEVER run a lap around a track. I was the girl who walked the mile, who "ran the curves and walked the straights," but never a whole lap. I remember the feeling, running around the track and realizing that I ran a whole lap. A WHOLE LAP! Then I ran two, then I ran three. I couldn't believe it--but really I could. I've always wanted it. I've always known that I could do it, but fear held me back.
Now I'm here today, just recently having run 4 miles straight without stopping, and to be honest--I know I can run more. I've run a 5k for every month--except March when I climbed 70 flights of stairs--and I've seen my body change and grow leaner and stronger. I'm training for a 10k, with a goal of running a half marathon next year. A half marathon?!? I can barely believe it. But once again, I can. Because I'm a runner. I've always been a runner. It's been in my heart and my gut all these years and I just had to let go of the fear and do it. I am so, so, so, proud of myself and my accomplishments.
I have done so many new things with my new life, and one that has absolutely changed my life is running. This time last year, I was in the beginning of my weight loss journey. I was working out at home, doing Jillian Michaels videos and DDR, and feeling pretty damn good. I was getting bored, and with summer coming around, I knew I wanted to get outside. So what about running? I have always wanted to be a runner. Here's a blog post from April 11, 2007:
"Now, as far as health, I really want to shed some pounds. And, honestly, I want to look even better in my clothes ;) Here's a goal: to bring out my inner runner. My dad was a runner. My brother was a runner...my mum was a runner. I've had dreams of me running and feeling so amazing and free...having that dull burn in my lungs and the tingling in my legs but not wanted to stop because it felt so good...I feel like my body is craving that. My whole family (including me) is/was athletic. So, I'm going to try to bring out my inner athlete. Who's my competition? Myself. Who am I doing this for? myself. I don't feel like it's even a situation of "i want to look on the outside like I feel on the inside" Because I feel great in general. I just want to be able to love my arms. I want to not have to suck my tummy in so much...I want to be confident all over. We'll see what develops eh? Yes."
I had wanted it for so long, and finally, I decided that I was going to do it. Cue the couch to 5k training and in July I started running. Now, let me tell you, I had NEVER run a lap around a track. I was the girl who walked the mile, who "ran the curves and walked the straights," but never a whole lap. I remember the feeling, running around the track and realizing that I ran a whole lap. A WHOLE LAP! Then I ran two, then I ran three. I couldn't believe it--but really I could. I've always wanted it. I've always known that I could do it, but fear held me back.
Now I'm here today, just recently having run 4 miles straight without stopping, and to be honest--I know I can run more. I've run a 5k for every month--except March when I climbed 70 flights of stairs--and I've seen my body change and grow leaner and stronger. I'm training for a 10k, with a goal of running a half marathon next year. A half marathon?!? I can barely believe it. But once again, I can. Because I'm a runner. I've always been a runner. It's been in my heart and my gut all these years and I just had to let go of the fear and do it. I am so, so, so, proud of myself and my accomplishments.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
It's Your Friends Who Make Your World
"Wherever you are, it's your friends who make your world." William James
I have this quote stuck up beside a picture of myself and my best friend, and I know it's simple, and pretty cliche, but it's so true. It's the people in my life who shape my world and make it fuller, richer, happier, and just better. The longer that I know my best friend, the more I realize how thankful that I am that I have her, and how grateful I am that we both stuck it out relationship-wise to get to the point we're at. We talked about our careers, our goals, our futures, our strengths, weaknesses, faith...everything. It wasn't the longest conversation, but it just reaffirmed the fact that we know each other, and accept each other despite our many faults. I vaguely remember the ups and downs, the laughter and fights. What I know now is the comfort of our relationship, and how much we've each grown into the women we are today. I love my bff :)
I have this quote stuck up beside a picture of myself and my best friend, and I know it's simple, and pretty cliche, but it's so true. It's the people in my life who shape my world and make it fuller, richer, happier, and just better. The longer that I know my best friend, the more I realize how thankful that I am that I have her, and how grateful I am that we both stuck it out relationship-wise to get to the point we're at. We talked about our careers, our goals, our futures, our strengths, weaknesses, faith...everything. It wasn't the longest conversation, but it just reaffirmed the fact that we know each other, and accept each other despite our many faults. I vaguely remember the ups and downs, the laughter and fights. What I know now is the comfort of our relationship, and how much we've each grown into the women we are today. I love my bff :)
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Sigh No More
Today was a rough day. Well, it started out fine. I biked to work, ate a ton of shrimp and fruits and veggies for lunch, beat my coworkers in Bump from the 3 pointer line (!!!), and just laughed a lot. Then I got hurt playing basketball, we were short staffed and the kids were INSANE, and then there was some kind of weird work drama between two of the staff and I'm still not sure what it was about. It just pretty much went downhill after the basketball incident. I just realized also that I'm probably not going to be able to do yoga because of whatever happened to my thumb. Bleh.
There's nothing like music to bring me back around, to soften my bitter little heart, and to remind me that love and forgiveness are bigger than all the petty bullshit that happens.
"Love it will not betray you, dismay, or enslave you--it will set you free...be more like the man you were meant to be. There is a a design, an alignment, a cry, of my heart to see, the beauty of love--as it was made to be." Mumford & Sons, Sigh No More
This is my all time favorite M&S song. That line in itself just makes it for me, and I love the builidup and simplicity of it all. Remembering love, how I'm supposed to love, and what it means to love brings so much freedom to my life. Even in this moment when I'm just emotional over small things, love loosens up the hardness in my heart and helps me to let go. It helps me to stop obsessing, to stop picking over the details over how so and so wronged me, how opportunities were lost, and it just leaves me with peace.
I want to be a person who is shaped and designed by Love. That second line, where it says there is 'a cry of my heart to see, the beauty of love as it was made to be' just hits me straight in the gut and makes me weep and hope for the day when Love will triumph. I want that today, everyday. I want it now, and I know that we can bring Love into the world through our actions and who we are as people, but sometimes it just seems like the world is so...hopeless. That people are so full of hate, anger, malice and jealousy, and that love is forgotten, thrown to the wayside. Sometimes I forget and I am so wrapped up in myself.
I don't know what else to say, except that I'm glad that I have this moment and this day to say "I will love better." I can show love and be love to those around me, and that's all I can do. That's what I was designed to do right? Right. And I'm so thankful there are people out there who feel the same way. Alrighty, I'm going to get my tired mind and body to bed. After a little more Mumford of course ;)
There's nothing like music to bring me back around, to soften my bitter little heart, and to remind me that love and forgiveness are bigger than all the petty bullshit that happens.
"Love it will not betray you, dismay, or enslave you--it will set you free...be more like the man you were meant to be. There is a a design, an alignment, a cry, of my heart to see, the beauty of love--as it was made to be." Mumford & Sons, Sigh No More
This is my all time favorite M&S song. That line in itself just makes it for me, and I love the builidup and simplicity of it all. Remembering love, how I'm supposed to love, and what it means to love brings so much freedom to my life. Even in this moment when I'm just emotional over small things, love loosens up the hardness in my heart and helps me to let go. It helps me to stop obsessing, to stop picking over the details over how so and so wronged me, how opportunities were lost, and it just leaves me with peace.
I want to be a person who is shaped and designed by Love. That second line, where it says there is 'a cry of my heart to see, the beauty of love as it was made to be' just hits me straight in the gut and makes me weep and hope for the day when Love will triumph. I want that today, everyday. I want it now, and I know that we can bring Love into the world through our actions and who we are as people, but sometimes it just seems like the world is so...hopeless. That people are so full of hate, anger, malice and jealousy, and that love is forgotten, thrown to the wayside. Sometimes I forget and I am so wrapped up in myself.
I don't know what else to say, except that I'm glad that I have this moment and this day to say "I will love better." I can show love and be love to those around me, and that's all I can do. That's what I was designed to do right? Right. And I'm so thankful there are people out there who feel the same way. Alrighty, I'm going to get my tired mind and body to bed. After a little more Mumford of course ;)
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Looking Back
As I was looking something up, I ran across this blog post. I wrote it almost 4 years ago. It made me smile, and it reminded me of the role that music has played in my life as far as faith. It reminded me how I seemed to be attuned to everything back then, so passionate, and nowadays it seems like that passion has waned a bit. And maybe not waned, but changed, evolved into something different. I love the person I was when I wrote this. I love the person I am today.
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Thursday May 31, 2007
"Clark Gable"
Some of you guys have been reading my blog since I started it. It's amazing to me that I've been writing on this thing for 2 plus years. A part of my life that has been consistent...not super consistent, but a place I could always come to. In my beginning writing stages there was this song called Clark Gable by Postal Service that really caught my attention. Well, pretty much the chorus caught my attention. It goes like this:
"I want so badly to believe that there is truth, and love is real. And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd."
The absurd extent. The title of my blog. That's were I got it from. I thought that chorus was beautiful and expressed exactly what I wanted in life. I was at a point where I was looking for truth. I was looking for something real outside of what everyone was telling me was real. I was looking for something more, something better than I had previously experienced.
I feel that I am at the point of finally beginning to realize what I want and who I am. I find that before, it was so easy to point the finger at others. Now it's so apparent that I need to point the finger at myself most of the time. I guess I'm learning that I had been part of the problem all along...and that I had to readjust MY thinking before I was ever going to make real change in people's lives. I could SAY all I wanted, but until I truly changed, my world would never change.
So, back to Clark Gable. I actually listened to the song. I mean, really listened. And I found that that line is part of the bigger picture of a song that I didn't even realize was pretty amazing and...surprisingly SUPER relevant to what I was going through then. Here's the song...the arrangement is my doing....
Clark Gable, The Postal Service
I was waiting for a cross-town train in the london underground when it struck me:
That I've been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie.
So I changed my plans, I rented a camera and a van and then I called you--
"I need you to pretend that we are in love again." And you agreed to.
I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.
I greased the lens and framed the shot using a friend as my stand-in.
The script it called for rain but it was clear that day so we faked it.
The marker snapped and I yelled "quiet on the set" and then called "action!"
I kissed you in a style Clark Gable would have admired--I thought it classic
I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd
I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the feel,
that your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?
______________________________________________________
I was listening to this song on Sunday and I was like "Oh. oh, oh, oh." I got it. For so long, this guy was looking for love. He was looking for this perfect love. You know, the kind that they display in movies. The kind of love that happens like *that* You know, you meet someone, two dates later, you're together, you fall in love, and it's happily ever after. I think the happily ever after part is a big part of the "love" that we are looking for.
So, he goes to "make" this love. He find this girl that he used to love, and he makes this movie. This movie that is perfectly set up. This movie that had perfect weather...but "the script had called for rain" so they made it rain instead. They 'faked it.' I love the line that says "I kissed you in a style Clark Gable would have admired...I thought it classic." Suggesting that even that kiss...was fake.
Everything that we have been taught about love in the movies and books is...let's just say it...fake. We have been waiting and looking for this storybook romance. We have been looking for these men and women who "complete" us. We're looking, like Cinderella, for someone to rescue us from the mess that is our lives. Isn't this the theme of most Disney-esque movies? There's the main character, the main character's life is crappy, incomplete, whatever. They get into trouble, and then there's this person who swoops in and saves them from that trouble.
I know so many people who are waiting for a man or woman to fix their lives. To make it better than it is. I know so many people who WAIT for someone who is worthwhile enough for them to change. Change is inspired by the desire to impress that person...not necessarily improve yourself. And when that person doesn't "come through" all those changes disappear and you go back to the person you are.
Love...life...isn't a fairytale. We can't wait for somebody who will make us want to better. We have to choose to be better. We have to want to be better.
I know that there is truth. I know that love is real. But it's NOT what we've thought it was. Love is tears, heartbreak, loneliness, joy, peace, understanding, giving, taking...it's all those things. It's more than looks or a sexual connection. It's...ah I can't even describe it. But I know it's amazing. I know it's out there...I know I'm capable of it.
Of course, I can think of how this song can be an analogy of my life as a Christian. One day, it feels as if I woke up and realized that Christ (love) was exactly NOT who I thought him to be. And I had worked so hard to make him into this thing...and once I finally realized that what I was striving for wasn't real...I was able to find real love...real truth. The real Jesus.
But sometimes it's so much easier to go along with "the story." It's so much easier to go along with the "fakeness" because reality is hard. It's dirty and it comes with a lot of things that we would rather not deal with. It includes real change. I'm finding that living like Jesus is something totally beyond what I can do. But I know it's real. I read his words and I'm blown away by how revolutionary he is. There is truth. Love is real. And he has life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.
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Thursday May 31, 2007
"Clark Gable"
Some of you guys have been reading my blog since I started it. It's amazing to me that I've been writing on this thing for 2 plus years. A part of my life that has been consistent...not super consistent, but a place I could always come to. In my beginning writing stages there was this song called Clark Gable by Postal Service that really caught my attention. Well, pretty much the chorus caught my attention. It goes like this:
"I want so badly to believe that there is truth, and love is real. And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd."
The absurd extent. The title of my blog. That's were I got it from. I thought that chorus was beautiful and expressed exactly what I wanted in life. I was at a point where I was looking for truth. I was looking for something real outside of what everyone was telling me was real. I was looking for something more, something better than I had previously experienced.
I feel that I am at the point of finally beginning to realize what I want and who I am. I find that before, it was so easy to point the finger at others. Now it's so apparent that I need to point the finger at myself most of the time. I guess I'm learning that I had been part of the problem all along...and that I had to readjust MY thinking before I was ever going to make real change in people's lives. I could SAY all I wanted, but until I truly changed, my world would never change.
So, back to Clark Gable. I actually listened to the song. I mean, really listened. And I found that that line is part of the bigger picture of a song that I didn't even realize was pretty amazing and...surprisingly SUPER relevant to what I was going through then. Here's the song...the arrangement is my doing....
Clark Gable, The Postal Service
I was waiting for a cross-town train in the london underground when it struck me:
That I've been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie.
So I changed my plans, I rented a camera and a van and then I called you--
"I need you to pretend that we are in love again." And you agreed to.
I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.
I greased the lens and framed the shot using a friend as my stand-in.
The script it called for rain but it was clear that day so we faked it.
The marker snapped and I yelled "quiet on the set" and then called "action!"
I kissed you in a style Clark Gable would have admired--I thought it classic
I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd
I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the feel,
that your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?
______________________________________________________
I was listening to this song on Sunday and I was like "Oh. oh, oh, oh." I got it. For so long, this guy was looking for love. He was looking for this perfect love. You know, the kind that they display in movies. The kind of love that happens like *that* You know, you meet someone, two dates later, you're together, you fall in love, and it's happily ever after. I think the happily ever after part is a big part of the "love" that we are looking for.
So, he goes to "make" this love. He find this girl that he used to love, and he makes this movie. This movie that is perfectly set up. This movie that had perfect weather...but "the script had called for rain" so they made it rain instead. They 'faked it.' I love the line that says "I kissed you in a style Clark Gable would have admired...I thought it classic." Suggesting that even that kiss...was fake.
Everything that we have been taught about love in the movies and books is...let's just say it...fake. We have been waiting and looking for this storybook romance. We have been looking for these men and women who "complete" us. We're looking, like Cinderella, for someone to rescue us from the mess that is our lives. Isn't this the theme of most Disney-esque movies? There's the main character, the main character's life is crappy, incomplete, whatever. They get into trouble, and then there's this person who swoops in and saves them from that trouble.
I know so many people who are waiting for a man or woman to fix their lives. To make it better than it is. I know so many people who WAIT for someone who is worthwhile enough for them to change. Change is inspired by the desire to impress that person...not necessarily improve yourself. And when that person doesn't "come through" all those changes disappear and you go back to the person you are.
Love...life...isn't a fairytale. We can't wait for somebody who will make us want to better. We have to choose to be better. We have to want to be better.
I know that there is truth. I know that love is real. But it's NOT what we've thought it was. Love is tears, heartbreak, loneliness, joy, peace, understanding, giving, taking...it's all those things. It's more than looks or a sexual connection. It's...ah I can't even describe it. But I know it's amazing. I know it's out there...I know I'm capable of it.
Of course, I can think of how this song can be an analogy of my life as a Christian. One day, it feels as if I woke up and realized that Christ (love) was exactly NOT who I thought him to be. And I had worked so hard to make him into this thing...and once I finally realized that what I was striving for wasn't real...I was able to find real love...real truth. The real Jesus.
But sometimes it's so much easier to go along with "the story." It's so much easier to go along with the "fakeness" because reality is hard. It's dirty and it comes with a lot of things that we would rather not deal with. It includes real change. I'm finding that living like Jesus is something totally beyond what I can do. But I know it's real. I read his words and I'm blown away by how revolutionary he is. There is truth. Love is real. And he has life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.
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