Grown Up

It just hit me as I was walking into my living room and sitting down, that I actually feel like a grown up. I feel like my life is under control, that I'm making positive choices and steps in my life, and that I have a great base of friends and family. I think that it's a realization that's been coming on as I've contemplated moving to Hawaii. I am doing a great job on my own. And it feels good. I feel like I'm more grateful, more aware, more active. I love my life, and I love the people in it. It's a very interesting feeling, but I think I like it :)

Nothing Feels Better Than Doing It

And not that kind of doing it ;) Haha just kidding. I've been dreading my weigh in, dreading what it would be like to start running again and ultimately dreading starting this process again. I was so ashamed of where I had let myself get...back into the 220s, not running at all, eating terribly. I was really ashamed of the fact that I pretty much gained all of that weight in the last 2.5 months of 2011. I had all of these plans, all of these desires, all of these goals...and somehow they just fell to the wayside and instead of losing 15 lbs, I GAINED 15 lbs. Shame spiral 101.

And then I weighed myself. I did it, and came face to face with a number I NEVER thought I'd see again. Back in 2010, I waved goodbye to the 220s, 210s, and said peace out. Well, 226 hello. But I did it, and something in me said, "this is not me. this is not right. I'm better than this." I don't WANT to be better than this, I AM better than this.

So I planned out my meals. I went grocery shopping. I researched "flexitarianism" (basically a plant based diet with occasional meat) and knew it was for me. I did my yoga last night, and I went to bed so that I could get 7 hours of sleep and wake up early in the morning...to run.

I was dreading this run. This was the girl who ran a 5k every month for a year then a 10k this past September. Dreading running. This is not who I am. I ate an apple, drank a bit of water, did my morning reading, and felt like I was going to throw up. I was literally gagging a bit over the toilet (sorry for the TMI), I think it was nerves, but also eating just an apple. Whatevs. Then I got out there.

I went to the track...where it all started in summer of 2010. Where I couldn't even run 1 lap. Where I did pretty much all of my C25k training.  And I started to run. I told myself I would at least do 1 mile, but would do 2 miles if it went well. Well, let me tell you, it was so good. It was like...I don't know the reuniting of peanut butter and jelly. Me and running just GO together. Seriously. It was so perfect. There was a light, off and on drizzle, I had the whole track to myself basically, and I ran. I ran at a good pace, and I KILLED that two miles, and felt like I could have done a whole 5k no problem.

I didn't, because I want to get back into the groove without hurting myself, but I did intervals on the way home and ran the last half mile home. It was amazing. All that anxiety, dread, and complacency all dashed by one thing--taking action and just DOING it.  My running goal this year of doing a 15k this year without stopping? I'm doing it. My goal of eating healthy, whole, CONSCIOUS food? I'm doing it. My goal of losing 60 lbs? I'm doing it. Nothing, nothing, feels better than doing it.

Weigh In

Ok, this is one of the hardest things that I've had to do, because it's essentially admitting that I've messed up. And admitting that, to the general public, and whoever reads this blog, is humbling. Really humbling. But I've decided that this year will be a year of honesty, transparency, and really opening myself up to people. So here it goes. I've gained...20 lbs over the last year. And most of it happened in the past 2 months. How did this happen you ask? Overindulgence. Laziness. Not exercising.

Really that's it. I haven't kept up good habits, and I haven't been really watching what I put in my body. And to be honest, I've been watching, but not caring what I put in. And that's what really bothers me. So I'm starting fresh. It's the beginning of the year, and I want to try to be 160 by the end of the year. That's essentially 60 lbs, ok, maybe more like 65. But I'm not going to get there by mourning the weight that I gained, or sitting around pouting about it. I'm going to get there by picking myself up, readopting the habits that I KNOW I can do, and believing in myself.

Weigh In
1/9/2011: 226.2

Goals
Eat 3 vegetarian meals this week
Run 3x this week
Yoga 2x this week

Flexitarian

I have decided to become a Flexitarian. What is that you say? It's a person who eats a mostly plant based diet but has meat every once in awhile. After having a FANTASTIC tofu-broccoli stir fry, I'm convinced that this whole "trying new things" and "having at least 3 vegetarian meals a week" is a great idea. And after researching some vegetarian meals, I'm more than convinced. I'm so excited to try out my new recipes.

Inspiration & Motivation

"It's all about self-motivation because at the end of the day, you can have all the trainers and all the money in the world, but if you don't have that mindset, it's not possible." Jennifer Hudson

Jennifer Hudson has always been gorgeous to me. Curvy, beautiful, and talented. I always said I'd rather look like Jennifer Hudson rather than Jennifer Aniston. Now here she is, with 80 lbs lost and she went from, as Tim Gunn said "stunning to staggering." She is beautiful at any size, and I love how she said she's always been comfortable with her body, but acknowledges the changes and differences that come with her slimmed down look.


Watching her on the Oprah show (I know I'm behind) really inspired me. She's totally right about the self-motivation. Only I can set a goal and stick to it, and really know what I want. It's a mindset thing, and if I want it, really want it, I can get it.


I want, to be a size 8. Seriously. Just once in my life as an adult I want to be a one digit size. I want to be scared and say size 10, but I'm going to go for it. I've accomplished SO MUCH. I can do this. Whatever comes first, 50 lbs or size 8. I'm going for it. 


I want, to run a half marathon. I want to be a runner and my ultimate goal is a half marathon. 


I want, to run 15 miles a week by the end of the year.  That's really only a 5k every day. But I'd ideally like to run only 3-4 days a week.


I want, to hold a plank for 2 minutes by the end of March. Seriously ya'll, I'm getting my upper body TONED. 


I want, to eat healthy, whole, yummy foods, and to be open to appreciating foods I don't normally like. 


I want, to learn how to sew my own clothes. And when I get smaller, I'll need less fabric :)


I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd. Seriously. I do. 


"It's our choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Albus Dumbledore 

Bad Dreams

I've had bad dreams for the past two days! Boo. Usually when I have a bad dream, I get out of bed, go into the living room and turn on the TV with my blankets, and let the characters and stories on the screen lull me back to sleep. There's something comforting about other people--even if they're just on TV.

Today, my dream involved a lot of fears that I have, and unlike those other dreams, it's hard for me to let it melt into nothingness-all I can do is think about it. Several fears surfaced--my fear of elevators and heights. We were in a swanky hotel and the elevators were acting funny, opening between floors, stopping when they weren't supposed to, etc.  Being stuck in a malfunctioning elevator terrifies me. I have images of me plummeting to my death in an elevator or elevator shaft--pretty gruesome I know.

Anyway, we escaped out of the elevator onto the roof of the 99plus story bldg (I know this cause we were trying to get down but the 'normal' stairs only went up to floor 99 and we were higher than that...wtf?!?). The top of the bldg was moving. Swaying like crazy in the wind, and I was like "how the hell are we getting down." My brother suggested going down the stairs on the SIDE of the bldg and I quickly squashed that idea. My mum said that stairs inside we would have to "drop into" and I was like "what??" so somehow, in my dream I decided to get on the elevator and go down...even though they were on code black and weren't supposed to be working...I made it to the bottom (yay dreams).

But then, I was separated from my family. I didn't know if they were ok, and I didn't have my phone on my. Now my dream got weird with this whole storyline about someone stealing my phone, and names of people from VA in it and all that stuff but it connected up when I ended up in a Starbucks like restaurant, and these girls from my childhood were sitting at a table in the busy place having a party. The recognized me and were like "Hey" and were all friendly and chittchatty, but none of them really LOOKED at me. If you know what I mean. None of them were really, truly, happy to see me. They were all fake, and I obviously was not going to be in the inner circle. Then Bridgett (a wonderful friend from college) was suddenly there in line with a blonde wig on, and she helped me out with her phone (so I could call my fam), and directing me to a table with people that I knew. And it was amazing because I had this huge wad of gum stuck in my mouth that I was trying to pull out, and one of the girls was laughing with me and trying to help me pull it out.

And then the dream was done. I broke away and woke up, and I have been thinking about that dream ever since. When I lived in Virginia, there was always this sense of not belonging. I wasn't black or white, so I didn't fit. I had some good friends, great friends in fact, but I knew that in the overall scheme of things, I didn't fit. That I wouldn't be accepted by the majority. And there are so many factors that go into that, that I don't want to unpack here. But that knowledge was there.

So here I am 13 years after I left that place, and I'm realizing that I'm still living as if I'll never be accepted. I'm still living, afraid that people are never going to truly acknowledge me, or accept me for who I am. Even though I know that I'm a great person, and have a great circle of friends. I have this general distrust of the population, of the majority, and I've let that affect my interaction with that perceived majority.

"There is no fear in love." B-I-B-L-E

"Only when we are no longer afraid, do we begin to live." Dorothy Thompson

"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we might often win, by fearing to attempt." Jane Adams

My past is something that I want to learn from. I don't want it to define me, and I don't want to carry the burdens from my past. I want to be better, stronger, happier, more confident because of my past. I don't want to let it cause me to draw back in fear, uncertainty, or doubt about who I am. I am good enough. I am a whole, complete, wonderful, beautiful, incredible person. I'm not second rate, and I fit exactly where I need to. These bad dreams are going to go away.

Healthier Choices

Three weeks of vacation is a lot. I never thought that I'd say that but it is. When you have so much time on your hands, at least one of those weeks is spent just "laying around." Which is perfectly fine. But I'm not getting paid for a week of work so I probably could have spent that in Seattle. Ah well. I also miss my cat. My friends are giving me updates on how unhappy she is and I think she misses me too--which makes my cold little heart melt a little.

Laying around here means access to a ton of unhealthy food. I quickly got sucked in to the chips, cookies, candy and all sorts of yummy (and terrible for you) snacks around here. But, this week, I'm trying to be better. The parents and brother are going to another movie--two movies in two weeks is enough for me. Instead of sitting on my bum eating the inevitable popcorn and slurping a cold bubbly soda, I'm going to do some yoga.

I'm trying to be better about not comparing myself to others. Specifically, beating myself up for not doing what other people are doing.  This year, I'm going to try to keep my focus solely on myself. In the healthy way. I'm going to focus on my goals, not other peoples goals. I'm going to focus on what I'm achieving, not criticizing myself for not achieving what other people are doing.

I'm excited for what the new year is going to bring, and I'm truly excited for how this year is going to unfold.